SICK sick

I'm sick. I'm sure you're all nodding right now and saying things like, "Durr, Carrie. Tell us something we DON'T know," but I'm talking SICK sick. Like the kind of sick where I sound like a transvestite vampire who works for one of those 800 numbers sick.

The good news is that I can run around going, "I vant to suck your BLOOOOD! And sparklesparklesparkle!" I've got the perfect voice for it.

But anyway, it's a good thing that the lovely Maggie, teen aspiring writer extraordinaire, has interviewed me. Because otherwise you'd have to listen to me babble on about transvestite vampires. Instead, why don't you go here and listen to me ramble about my imaginary name change?

It's MY turn to interview YOU

I've been answering a lot of interview questions lately. And it seems to me that authors tend to get repeats. Ellen Hopkins has probably answered about seven million questions about censorship. The same probably goes for Stephanie Perkins and kissing Hot British Men, Kiersten White and how-did-you-get-so-funny, and JK Rowling and can-I-borrow-some-money-please.

And then there's me. I get questions about goofy supernatural creatures. And today, I'm going to turn the tables. What's YOUR favorite supernatural creature? Does it sparkle? Does it have a dorsal fin and smell like fish sticks? Is it related even vaguely to The Hoff? (Bonus points if it has chest hair.)

These are matters of vital international importance. I need to know. Because apparently, I don't have enough book ideas. I just came up with another doozy last night.

Things That Make Me Snarf - Darth Vader's iPhone

Aw, sweet! It comes in red too!

Signs That You've Made It

The other day, I noticed something TOTALLY AWESOME. My book is up on Goodreads. And it got one of those random one star ratings from someone who CANNOT POSSIBLY have read it. There are no ARCs. Galleys are forthcoming. The only way this person could have read my book is by breaking into my house, slogging through the water in the basement from our &*(#ing malfunctioning water heater, and cracking my super creative computer password. Or you could try to get it from my agent/editor/critique partners...

I do not recommend any of these things. My crack ninja attack squad is poised to protect my peeps. And my son learned how to sharpen stakes this weekend, so all you sparkly vampires out there better watch out too.

Seriously. He's six. And he brought me this wooden stake, all excited. "Look, Mom! Let's make some together!" I'm thinking maybe I should give him a new nickname: Vampire Hunter C.

Anyway. I'm ridiculously proud of this one star rating. Something must have attracted this person's attention enough to make him push that button, right? Either that, or he has a real aversion to hot gridiron hunks. I couldn't possibly understand why.

How could you NOT love us? We are hot. And gridirony. And we got our swerve on.

Obviously, I've chosen to deal with negative reviews by cracking jokes. This doesn't for a second mean that a well thought out criticism isn't going to resonate with me. It just means that I'll take any excuse to use the word "gridirony."

How do you deal with negative criticism, bookish or otherwise?

Title Improvements Courtesy of Babelfish

Am I the only person out there who dreams about seeing my book in a foreign language? And did I or did I not just ask the stupidest rhetorical question ever?

Anyway, I've been thinking about the whole foreign rights thing lately. No, I'm not trying to hint at any news, just that I was thinking the other day about how cool it would be. And really, the thing I wonder about most is what my title would sound like in translation.

I shall wonder no more, thanks to the awesomeness that is BABELFISH. I love Babelfish. If Babelfish were a person, I'd pour sparkles on my head and sneak into its bedroom to watch it sleep. That's how much I love it.

Anyway, I translated BAD TASTE IN BOYS into Spanish, and Portuguese, and Chinese, and French...

And then I translated it back into English, just because I wanted to see what would happen. This is what my title turned into:

In the Young People Taste Mal

Poor young people. I don't think you taste mal at all.

Sooo...if you're looking to waste time today, play the Babelfish game and leave your new and improved title in the comments. I needz a laugh today, peepul!

Help Me, Shambling Hordes!

I got the coolest thing in the mail yesterday from one of my crit group mates, Laura Riken, whose book Cybernetic comes out in 2012 from Disney/Hyperion. And it's SO. GOOD. Laura sent me a copy of this:

Zombies and cupcakes. Just as good as chocolate and peanut butter. Maybe even as good as chicken and telephones.

The only problem with this is that now I have to decide which ones to make first. The Day of the Dead skulls? Eyeball cupcakes? Zombie hands? Help me, shambling hordes. I need guidance.

Also, last night at dinner, I found myself saying, "Honey, my armpit has nothing to do with my power to keep you safe," to my son. We were talking about superpowers. And mutants. Anyway, I'm adding that to the list of sentences I never thought would cross my lips.

That's all.

Pantser, Plotter, or Gas Station Attendant

I used to be a very strict Pantser. (A Pantser is a person who writes by the seat of her pants, versus a Plotter who has notes arranged in color coded notebooks and knows the eye color of the guy who appears for two lines on page 56 and then gets killed by the rampaging were-simmons.) When I wrote my first YA, the one that got me agented, I wrote the whole thing, editing as I went, and then...THEN I wrote a revision post-it. It had little notes about the things I needed to change written in all different directions, and in my spare time I folded it into a little puppet guy. That was my one grudging nod to organization.

Flash forward a while. Now I have an editor. Editor points out that my Pantser, puppet making self has some serious issues with settings. And pacing. And the fact that one guy shows up and doesn't leave for about a hundred pages. (Why didn't I NOTICE that before?) I have no choice. I take on some Plotter tendencies. I make Excel spreadsheets. And I think, "Why didn't I think of this before? I'm ADDICTED to Excel spreadsheets. Ask my husband. I pretty much selected our house based on the strength of my Excel spreadsheet. I think I made our realtor's eyes roll back in her head when I gave her such a specific set of criteria for our house-to-be."

Organizing via Excel seems to work for me, although I started a new book using my old Pantser ways just because it's fun. And writing should be fun. I picked it as a career because it's fun, and that's no reason for it to stop being fun.

Can you tell I was trying to see how many times I could use the word "fun" in a paragraph before my eyes started to bleed? Apparently, that number is 4.

So now, I'm a strange hybrid of a Pantser and Plotter, kinda like a liger only not as kewl. But I've just learned that I'm doing it wrong. I should be asking the people at the gas station.

What about you? Are you a Pantser? Plotter? Gas station attendant? If so, I have this question about ninja weaponry...

Things That Make Me Snarf - New Moon in a Minute

This video cracks me up. Especially when Jacob turns into Lassie.

Just Another Random Monday

Last night, I was laying in bed with a song stuck in my head. Remember how I posted about the Cthulhu ninja zombie last week? Well, there's this thing in Lovecraft's Cthulhu mythos about "Cthulhu ftagn," which means Cthulhu sleeps or Cthulhu dreams, which is a good thing because otherwise he'd be simultaneously devouring us and making us insane.

Not a good way to spend a Monday morning. However, it does sound like some corporate jobs I've heard of.

Anyway, I discovered that the words "Cthulhu ftagn" go really well to the tune of "Hakuna Matata" from The Lion King.

Cthulhu ftagn!
What a wonderful phrase!
Cthulhu ftagn!
It means he's sleeping!
Won't be driving us craaaaazy!
Cthulhu ftagn!

You're welcome.

At a family picnic this weekend, I told my Cousins of Frawesomeness (Hello, Cousins of Frawesomeness! I still think it's uber kewl that you read my blog!) that I was glad they weren't stalkers. I've found that this is an ideal way to endear yourself to family--backhandedly accuse them of creepiness. You should try it.

In my case, they just laughed, because they know better than to take me seriously. They are smart. And frawesome.

Has everybody entered the WriteOnCon Epic Giveaway of Epic Epicness? Because you should. As a part of my swag, I'm crocheting a zombie football player. I just finished his arm nubs yesterday.

Arm nubs. Almost as awesome a phrase as Cthulhu ftagn, but not quite.

Yeah, I'll shut up now.

Welcome, Zombie Ninjas!

Have you been laying awake at night, wondering what happens if you google "zombie ninjas"?

Um...really? Well, why didn't you just do it? I mean, it seems kinda silly to stay up all night over something that silly. *I* would never...uh...no. I can't reasonably claim that.

But it's totally moot, because I googled it! And I found some serious AWESOMESAUCE.

Here we have the little known zombie ninja chicken.

"Eggggggs.... EGGGGGGS!"

And then there's the dreaded cthulhu zombie ninja.

"Ftagn... FFFFFtagn!"

And then, there is the Image That Is Made for Me. You can even get it on a t-shirt.

"I'm awesomeee. AAAAWESOOOME!"

Carrie's Guide to Getting Blurbs

So one of the things I'll have to do soon is get some blurbs. I've been thinking about this a lot, and I'd like to share my wisdom with you. I have LOTS of wisdom. A plethera, even. I'm going to put it in a numbered list for you, because numbered lists make me feel even MORE wise. Just call me Candalf. It's better than Ganrie.

And without further ado, here are my tips to get LOTS of blurbs:

1. Always make sure to write your favorite authors directly at their personal email address, and call them "Sparkly Merpire Princess" in the salutation. Do this regardless of their gender.


2. Figure out where they live, kidnap their dog, and tie your blurb request around its neck. Dress it up like a zombie and send it back. If they don't have a dog but do have a zombie penguin, give me their number. Pinprick (my zombie penguin) is lonely.


3. Blurbing is a lot easier if you tell them what to say. Make sure your suggested blurb has at least seventeen adjectives per sentence. Some suggestions: poignant, riveting, emotional, thrilling, sparkly, puce, whack-a-ding-hoy, dillweedy.


4. Every blurb request that has been delivered by Richard Simmons was accepted. Keep this in mind, kids.


5. Subliminal messages WORK. Write "Blurb my book!" on your forehead with a sharpie and deliver candy to their house. Write one word of your book on each candy and let them have HOURS of fun trying to figure out what order the candies go in.

What other bits of wisdom can YOU throw into the mix?

Things That Make Me Snarf - Twitterlight

I think the best part of this video is Edward. Couldn't stop cracking up.



I also have a bit of news. Some of you may already know that I'm a member of the Class of 2k11. We're closing membership today, so if you're an author debuting in 2011, I hope you'll consider joining! We are (she says egotistically) frawesome. Drop me a note if you're interested.

Generalized Awesomeness

This is my 500th post! And in honor of that not-very-momentous-but-let's-pretend-it-is occasion, I'd like to spread some awesome.

First, I'd like to announce the winner of the Personal Demons swag! Tabitha Michelle, the gods of Random.org have smiled upon you! Tabitha is proof that kissing Richard Simmons pays off! Whee! Email me at carrie (at) carrieharrisbooks (dot) com, and I'll help get your swaggy goodness to you!

If you didn't win, never fear! I'm also giving away a bunch o' feedback over at WriteOnCon today, along with a bunch of other Elevensies! That's right, peeps; it's an Epic Giveaway of Epic Epicness! My prize pack goes live at 10 AM. You want to comment. You can't get enough of me. You'd also like to buy me a pony.

Hey, you can't blame me for trying.

AND, if that's not enough awesome for one day, there's also an interview with me over at Books Are Dreams! You can learn all about my boy-related mistakes. And then you can laugh at me.

Wow. All that awesomeness is exhausting. I think I'll go have a cookie.

What You've Always Wanted...If Only You Knew What It Was

We're closing in on gift season for the Harris household. We have four birthdays between Halloween and Thanksgiving. All of us have holiday birthdays. The Batson is Halloween. The twins are T-giving. I'm Voting Day.

Quit laughing at me. Voting Day is TOO a holiday! You get stickers!

Anyway, I've been starting to think about the whole gift thing, and I have a few words of wisdom for you. Here are some things NOT to get your loved ones for birthdays or Christmas or whatever gift type holiday you choose to observe.

First, there is this steering wheel desk. Mostly because all of the customer images show terrible car accidents. Who would have thought that driving and doing homework at the same time was DANGEROUS? Not me!

How about something for the fashionista/outdoor person in your life? Nothing will make her happier than these earrings, which are made of real freeze dried squirrel feet. I once had a pair of freeze dried, silver plated seahorse earrings. (No kidding.) What can I say; I'm a water person. But these babies would be perfect for the camper or hiker in your life...until they get attacked by bands of irate pegleg squirrels, that is.

Dismembered feet = always fashionable.

How about something for the techster in your life? You should get them a genuine Russian clock! But wait! See that little label at the top? It says "Time Machine"! This isn't a clock! It's a time machine! And if you open it up, it's a journal too! So you can travel through time and then go, "Oh, wait! I forgot to feed the dog!" and then write it down so you remember when you get back. Assuming you're not devoured by dinosaurs or enslaved by an alien species or something.

I only wish there was space to store my towel.

So what's the most unusual gift you've ever gotten? I need ideas for my family...

Evil (In the Form of Devilhoff) Triumphs!

Wow. I got 24 people to admit in public that they'd kiss David Hasselhoff if he was wearing red lipstick, horns, and fake ear hair, but only if they got swag afterwards. It's alright, people. It could be worse--you could be me, and I'd kiss them both . And then I'd post photographic evidence on this blog.

Speaking of photographic evidence, Slayer wanted me to ride a mechanical bull and post the video on this blog. I've thought about that and decided the only way I'd really do it is if I could dress up in costume. Like maybe I could be a zombie ninja riding a mechanical bull. Or Posh Spice. Except that I'm not sure the little black dresses are really ideal for bull riding...

Hmm. What IS the ideal costume for bull riding?

Oh, and the Personal Demons swag is still up for grabs! I'll keep the comments open until next week when Lisa announces the winner! (I think.)

Personal Demons Giveaway!

Next week is the release date of the uber awesome PERSONAL DEMONS by Lisa Desrochers, and I'm happy to be one of the stops on her release tour! Whee! Personal Demons is hotter than hell. It's about a girl named Frannie who's stuck between a super hot angel and a super hot demon. And I'm jealous, because this is a love triangle that sizzles, peeps.

But then I realized, hey, I've got my own personal demon and angel, right? I don't need to be jealous of Frannie. Because I've got him:

I'll be your angel of love, bay-bee. Just give me a nice wet lickery kiss. And whatever you do, stay away from David Devilhoff.

And him:
I'm a hunka hunka burnin' love. Kiss ME! Don't kiss than nancy-pants Simmons angel!

If I haven't burnt your eyes out with those two pictures, you should enter the contests! Lisa's giving away some awesomesauce prize packs to celebrate Personal Demons' book birthday! In fact, you can win THIS:

I wants it! My precious!

To enter, all you have to do is leave a comment on this entry and tell me whether you'd rather kiss Richard "Angel" Simmons or David "Demon" Hasselhoff. Will the forces of good or evil win? Will any of my readers throw up in their mouth? Tune in on Friday and find out!!!

And then there are the rest of the stops on the blog tour!
Yesterday: Elana Johnson
Tomorrow: Myra McEntire
Saturday: LiLa
Sunday: Beth Revis
Monday: Andrea Cremer

But that's not all! After you've chosen who you'd like to lock lips with, make sure to go to Lisa's blog. She's got a whole week of awesome planned out, with Heaven and Hell prize packs up for grabs! Dude, I want one of these so bad. There's signed bookery, of course, but also an iPod Shuffle and all kinds of swaggery goodness. So please do stop by her site and check it out!

Things That Make Me Snarf - Sparkly Vampires

This song is the KEWLEST song in the world. I dare you to listen to it without swaying back and forth and maybe doing a little jazz hands.



Riffrax is the group, and they are geniuses. GENIUSES.

Sparkly Vampires - How to Go Green

Remember my last post? Well, when I googled "sparkly vampires" and came up with that half-naked Batman, my first thought wasn't "Um...where did the anatomically correct nipple suit go?" or even "Yeah, haters, there wasn't any crime at THAT party, was there?" (But that's what CKHB commented, because she is smarter than me.) I believe I thought something like, "Dude, where are the sparkles?"

So. I've decided that I've got to do a little research on this whole sparkly vampire thing. Because clearly, I am missing something. I'm not sure if that Batman was a sparkly vampire in disguise, or if he belongs to Sparkly Vampire Wannabes R Us (SVWRU), or if he and the sparkly vampires belong to Alliance Against Haters (AAH!). Clearly, more research is necessary to clear up this complicated topic.

First, I think we all need to put this warning sign up in our homes.



Although wait a minute. Do I want those sparkly vampires to go away? Because I just got my electric bill, and it was way too freaking high because my kids all insist on sleeping with the lights on. So if I had a sparkly vampire, I could put him in the corner with a lampshade on his head and decrease my power usage.

Use sparkly vampires! Go green!

Just please, don't pull a google and get half-naked Batman confused with the sparkly vampires and put a lampshade on HIM and put HIM in your kids' bedroom. Because really, all the money you save on electricity now will go to fund their therapy later.

More on this important topic later!

Sparkly Vampires + Google Fu = Awesome

Have you ever wondered what you'd get if you googled "sparkly vampires"? This is why you have me--to do these things for you. Because your life would be lacking if you missed out on THIS:

Bones, Sparkly Vampire Hunter should be a show, don't you think? I'd watch it.

I actually got some of these as a gift. To my dismay, none of the candies said, "Edward is a sparkly stalker," or "Merpires do it better." Or "Real men smell like fish sticks." Come on, people. Get with the program.

And then...I got THIS.



Um... er. I'm speechless.

Things That Make Me Snarf - Confessions of a Serial Vampire Dater

I'm working on a synopsis today! Whee! In the meantime, please enjoy this video. It has questions in it. I checked.

WTF Wednesday - Now with Roller Skating Zombie Cake!

I've discovered that I have a long-lost daughter. You can read about her here. Gaaargh!

Pick yourself off the floor, Slayer. I'm just kidding.

I'm also working on LOTS of awesomeness, which I will hopefully be able to share with you soon. But here are a few random hints: zombies, roller skates, crochet, giveaways, hospitals, and undead themed cake. And no, I didn't roller skate away from zombies and end up in the hospital where they gave away crocheted pillows and undead themed cake. That would be bad. These things are good.


When you search for "roller skate zombie," you get THIS. Which should be added to the list of things I want. I'm also pretty partial to her Zombraham Lincoln.

Speaking of strange creatures, we ate at a restaurant over the weekend that had a leprenaut (leprechaun + astronaut) painted on the wall. If I hadn't used up all the batteries in the camera taking pictures of my kid, I would show it to you. But as it is I'll have to leave it to your imagination. Will you forgive me? I'll give you some roller skating zombie cake.