Happy Holidays!

I can't say how much I'll be around this week, what with all the holiday craziness going on. But I have a lot of excitement coming up here, so I might not be able to resist. We'll see.

Over the weekend, I went to a holiday party. One of the men at my table declared that for Christmas, he wanted to be turned into a nanobot so he could be randomly injected into people. I find that hilarious, so long as the injectee isn't ME.

Here's hoping that you have equally amusing holiday experiences!

Sick and Teasing

Still sick. But let me give you a quick teaser for an UBERAWESOMEOHMYGODIHOPEITTURNSOUTHALFASCOOLASITISINMYHEAD project I'm working on.

In the past few days, I've googled:

• How to make PVC weapons
  
• Zombie appliances
  
• School rentals
  
• How to put numbers on football jerseys
  
• The local drama club
  
• Contact info for an anonymous band that is MADE OF AWESOME

Interested yet?

Sick Day

I have the flu or something equally sucky today, AND my computer is malfunctioning. (With my luck, I'll go outside and it'll start spontaneously raining monkeys. Or lava. Or lava monkeys.)

Anyway, while I recuperate, please enjoy this video. It's got zombies in it, and it made me laugh. Or I would have if I had a voice right now.

Happy Toaster Day!

Today, we celebrate the birthday of Ramrod, the Holy Toaster. It's a day of giving. A day of thankfulness. A day of CRISPY BREAD.

At first, I accidentally typed "CRISPY DREAD." Which made me think of the above Toaster of Awesomeness from ThinkGeek. It just goes to show that Ramrod has many forms.

In honor of this momentous occasion, I'd like to give you something. Would you like some BAD TASTE IN BOYS bookmarks? (I know, I know. I'd give you all cars, but I'm not Oprah. And I'm REALLY okay with that.) If so, please drop me an email at carrie AT carrieharrisbooks DOT com with your address, and I'll pop some in the mail. And please remember to spread the cheer today...kind of like butter on toast.

Ooooh. Strangely fitting.

Holiday Greetings!

It's our first snow day of the year, and I predict mass chaos in the Harris household within the next two hours. We may have to forge a path through the snow...not in search of food! We'll need the McDonalds play area before I lose the remaining shreds of my sanity. But in the meantime, I wanted to give you something. This year, I'm just not doing REAL Christmas cards. I'm not organized enough. But I've got THIS.

Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, or Holy Toaster Day. Whatever you celebrate, hope it's awesome and filled with dancing zombie Katy Perry, zombie Hoff, and Richard Simmons from the Planet Nonose.



I am proud to say that for the holidays? I bumped butts with the Hoff.

My Couric Related Expertise

On occasion, I check the site stats for the blog. I admit it. I used to be rabid about it, trying to figure out how people found me and who they were so I could hide in their bushes and pelt them with sparkles. (Okay, that last part may be slightly exaggerated. I admit it.) Lately, I check the stats once every couple of weeks just in case there's something interesting for me to talk about.

I've discovered a disturbing trend. Somehow, some WAY, I've become an expert on Katie Couric's body parts.

I'm an expert on a lot of things. If you've been around for a REALLY long time, you might remember my successful campaign to top the Google results for the search term "Batman eyebrows." I'm also the world's foremost authority on the merpire. These titles sit comfortably on my shoulders. I'd happily put them on business cards if I had any. But World Renouned Expert on Katie Couric's Legs?

I hang my head in shame.

Out of the top 10 search results that led people to my blog in the past week, three of them were related to me or my book. (YAY! I LIKE YOU!) Then we have a couple of random elements like hand signs, Katy Perry's carousel dress, zombie penguins, and Batman's eyebrows (no joke). And then? Three searches involving Katie Couric and her various body parts.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!?!

I've decided that there's nothing to do but embrace my Couricky expertise. I'm sending you all a holiday card with a hyperactive Couric in a sombrero.

I'm all about giving the people what they want.

The Lure of Paranormal...and Popcorn

Thanks for all the name suggestions yesterday. You got me thinking, and I really appreciate it!

So. If you read my blog last year, you'd know that I was a panelist for the Cybils. I really loved doing it when I had the chance, not only because it gave me a nice excuse to read and talk about a bunch of books, but also because I met some awesomesauce people. Kelly is one of those people, and we talked for a while after Cybils but then life got in the way. Flashforward until a couple of months ago, and I said, "Hey, I've got this businessy thing to do; I'm going to use it to get back in touch with Kelly! YAY!"

Yeah, I totally talk to myself like that too. This is sadly not exaggerated AT ALL.

Anyway, we started talking again, and a few weeks ago, we had this conversation:

Kelly: Hey, I'm looking for someone to write a SERIOUS post for our librarian blog.

Me: I like librarians!

Kelly: Cool. We need someone to write about why you should read paranormal books.

Me: I like paranormal.

Kelly: Yes, I know. Would you like to write it?

Me: I like wombats too.

Kelly: Um...what do wombats have to do with anything?

Me: SPARKLE SPARKLE SPARKLE!

Kelly: WHAT?!? You're confusing me!

Me: ...popcorn...

Kelly: My brain is starting to melt.

Me: So you want me to write a serious blog post? Are you sure that's wise?

Kelly: ....

Kelly is a brave, brave soul. Despite the popcorn debacle, she persisted. And now, a semi-serious post by me is up at the FABULOUS Stacked website. Hope you'll read and enjoy it!

The Name Game

I'm distracted today by sparkly new idea. I think I'm finally going to cave and start it--not that I really need another book in the works, but I'm waiting for feedback from the EXPERTS OF AWESOME (aka my agent and editor) on everything else I'm working on. And not working on a project gives me the twitches.

So. New project.

Unfortunately, my main character doesn't have a name, and I always have problems with this step. I can usually name the guys for some reason, but I struggle with naming female characters. Does this happen to anybody else, or is it just me?

Here's my issue--most of the really good girl names are already taken, either by people I know too well or by MCs in really well known books, and somehow I think if I named my girl Katniss or Tally, I'd suffer in comparison. And I can't do bad things to a character named after a friend's baby, because friend will inevitably read and apply for a restraining order. (True story--I had a great idea for a twin book during which lots of Bad Things happened. And then I had twins. I will never write that story, because I know my girls will read it and wonder which one of them I want to be murdered.)

So...I'm now trolling for random girl names. Got any good ones in your back pocket?

Things That Make Me Snarf - Indian Thriller

This video restores my faith in the human race. Or it would if I had lost my fate in the human race in the first place, which I haven't.



And now I want to go to India and dance with the girly men. Who's with me?

Random Shouting...and GIVEAWAYS!

This is another of those Carrie Takes Over the Interwebs weeks. But don't you worry; I promise to be a kind despot who gives everyone zombie penguins and sugar lips. But not zombie penguins WITH sugar lips, because the universe would probably explode from sheer awesomeness.

Anyway. If you weren't around this weekend, please go to Badass Bookie's site! She has a list of 10 random things about me that involves Princess Leia, killer bees, brains, and corn syrup. That's here. And there's also a little inside info about BAD TASTE IN BOYS that I haven't shared anywhere before. (TEAM JONAH!) And it comes with a giveaway.

WOOT.

So I hope you'll go check out the giveaway and inside info here. And then come back here tomorrow for...

MORE LINKY GOODNESS!

MORE EMBARRASSING ANECDOTES!

MORE NINJA WARRIORS!

MORE RANDOM SHOUTING!

I'll stop now.

Here, Dressy Dressy Dressy!

Today's blog is going to be a bit short, because I'm taking my herd of children for holiday pictures, and of course I thought I had both of the twins' dresses but it turns out I can only find one. In the past couple of months, I have turned into a complete airhead. I have lost track of how many times I've lost my phone. I had to launch my son through the window to get into the house after I locked my keys inside. I haven't locked them in the car with it running--

Oh god. I shouldn't have said that.

Anyway, I'm going on the GREAT DRESS HUNT. Wish me luck. And if you get a holiday picture of my kids in Hawaiian shirts and flip flops, you'll know why.

But before I go, there is NEWS! If you're around this weekend, stop by Badass Bookie on Sunday to read a list of randomly associated things about moi! There will also be a BTIB giveaway on either Sunday or Monday. OoOooOooooOh! Free things make me make funny noises.

Now, on with the dress hunt! Wish me luck!

Gift Recommendations for Weird People

It's getting to be that time of year, when we're all scrambling to buy gifts for Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or Ramrod the Holy Toaster Day. Whatever. So I've started to do the whole shopping thing. My family is pretty big on lists, so my Christmas morning is usually full of things I actually want and need as opposed to the sweater with the pink flamingos staring at my boobies.

I got that once. I posted a picture. It's too traumatic to go back and look for.

But what do you do when the person you're buying for doesn't give you a list and they're a total lunatic? You turn to me for advice, of course. I get all the best lunatic holiday gifts from one of three top places.

1. Too Fast. Too Fast is the place to go for clothing items with zombies on them. Some of the zombies also stare at or grab the boobies, but it's better than flamingos. This year, I'm partial to the werewolf stompers (to go with my zombie pair), the eyeball leg warmers, and the zombie wall clings.

2. Fred and Friends. I may be related to the people behind Fred and Friends. They REACHED INTO MY BRAIN and pulled out the mixing spoon drumsticks, the ninjabread men, and the brain freeze ice cube trays. I would like to decorate my entire home with Fred and Friends.

3. The Knotbygranma Etsy shop. Oh, Jess. Before you, no one filled my need for crocheted valentines dolls with tentacles coming out of their mouths and three headed cheerleaders. My life is complete now that I have seen these things, or it will be once I get my hands on one of those tentacle girls.

So there you go. Where else do you go to get gifts that aren't...well, NORMAL?

Links, Free Books, and Much Squealing

There is awesomeness all around the internet, starting today. And it is free book related awesomeness.

First, have you seen the Class of 2k11 trailer? It has ZOMBIES, and...oh, I can't do the awesomeness credit. Just watch it.



I need to hire that zombie guy for my official book trailer.

NEXT, the lovely ladies of Dark Faerie Tales and Tynga's Reviews have kicked off a super cool feature for December. It's called Dark Winter Tale, and the idea is simple--get a bunch of authors together and have them co-write a short story about winter.



The first installment from Leslie Livingston, author of WONDROUS STRANGE, DARKLIGHT, and TEMPESTUOUS, is up today. Not only is it made of awesome, but it also includes a book giveaway.

My bit of the story will be up later this month. Don't worry. I'll remind you.

AND, if that's not enough, you MUST visit Badass Bookie for her December Debutante Event! There will be interviews, and guest posts, and more free freaking books! The giveaways start today with Julia Karr's XVI, so go and visit pronto.



Why yes, that IS badass.

Okay, so I've done all the links and passed out the info. Now I can flip out.

HOLY CRAPOLI! CANNOT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING! I GOT TO PICK A DEBUTANTE DRESS! I GOT TO BE IN A BOOK TRAILER! I GOT TO CO-WRITE A STORY WITH PEOPLE OF AWESOME. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I know all of us look forward to the whole holding-the-book-in-your-hands thing, but what about the other fun author things? What authors would make you squeal to share a blog event with?

Things That Make Me Snarf - Steampunk LOLcats

This video puts me in the mood to make more lolzombies, but I think I've run out of dance movies. (For you newbie types, I made a bunch of lolzombies based on dance movies. Because haven't you always wanted to see a lol version of Dirty Dancing with zombies? I know I have.) So I need a new theme. I shall think on this, and you shall think on this, and hopefully no one's brain will explode. But in the meantime, enjoy THIS!

My Most Horrifying Experience EVAR

Warning that this entry is PG-13 for mind-numbingly embarrassing situations involving my mother.

This weekend, we had Scillius Maximus over for a game night. I love game nights. Game nights are totally SKULL. (And skulls = awesome, just in case you missed that.) But this weekend's game night reminded me of the most uncomfortable experience I have ever had, and I'm going to compound the discomfort by telling you all about it.

Freud would have a field day.

So here's the deal. Slayer and I were at my mom's house shortly after the Batson was born, and we'd brought along a new board game called ZINGERS. As far as I can tell, they don't make this game anymore, which is a pity. The concept's pretty simple: one person is the judge, and they randomly pick cards with a person and a situation. Everyone else has a bunch of cards with one liners, and they pick the funniest zinger for the situation.

For example, I might be the judge, and I'd pick Michael Jackson, and the situation: "You are shopping with _____, and he/she realizes their wallet is missing. He/she turns to you and says..." And you have to come up with the best one-liner for the situation from whatever you've got in your hand. If you've ever played APPLES TO APPLES, it's the same general idea, only with witty one liners.

With me so far? This is a long setup, but the humiliation is ohsoworthit.

So we were playing Zingers with my mom and her boyfriend, and I was the judge. And I ended up with THIS HORRIFYING CARD COMBO: "You're in the basement watching an adult film with YOUR MOM, and it turns out that she's in the movie! She turns to you and says..."

And I had to read this out loud. I know for a fact that my entire face was beat red, including my ears. Mom wasn't much better. But it got worse when my lovely husband played the following one-liner:

TASTES LIKE CHICKEN.

I'm still traumatized.

How to Say Thank You in Carrieland

I hate buying thank you gifts, don't you? I think my problem is that the choices range from generic to genericker. Flowers? Meh. Candy? Double meh. WHERE IS THE EXCITEMENT? WHERE IS THE EXPLODING CANNON OF AWESOME THAT SPEWS STREAMERS INTO THE AIR PRINTED WITH THE PHRASE, "THANK YOU! PLEASE COVER YOUR EYES TO PROTECT THEM FROM ACCIDENTAL INJURY!"?

The world needs that cannon. *I* need that cannon.

Or so I thought. But this week, I got two thank you gifts that will never be beaten from my pseudo nieces. (You know what I mean, right? I'm talking about those people who you call family but are fortunate enough not to share your genetics.) My pseudo nieces got me the COOLEST THANK YOU GIFTS EVER.

Because really, nothing says thank you like a big old packet of zombie blood.

Thank you for everything you do, and for... erg... graaagh... BRAAAINS!

And then? THEN I got the thing that left me speechless. Nothing says thank you like "I made you this zombie penguin at school and my teacher almost referred me for psychiatric counseling."

How do you spell thank you? Z-O-M-B-I-E-S-H-O-P-P-R-O-J-E-C-T-S!

That's right. Pinprick, my stuffed zombie penguin, now has a girlfriend. Zombie penguins in love...isn't it CUTE?

So thank you, pseudo nieces, for the awesomest thank you gifts EVER. Those are even better than the cannon. Srsly.

Things That Make Me Snarf - Cool Guys Don't Look at Explosions

Good morning/afternoon/whenever the bleep you read this! It was a crazy weekend here at Chez Harris--my daughters turned four. It seems like only yesterday they were babies, and now they're pulling the screws out of bedroom door hinges with their hands...

Anyway. I'm still recovering from the explosion of pink things in my household. So while I go put a cold compress on my forehead, let me entertain you with a video full of explosions. Because everyone knows that explosions are KEWL.

Holidays with the Hoff

You can blame the following post on my friend Tiny T. She started it.

So. Holidays are just around the corner, and we all know what that means--Carrie starts suggesting strange things for you to buy. And today, we're looking at themed products for the people you love (or secretly hate). Today we're talking about HOFF THEMED GIFTS.

Because really, nothing says I love you like a hot water bottle with the Hoff's face on it.

I hope that cover is washable. (My kids tend to throw up in their sleep.)
Don't use a hot water bottle? It's okay. Everyone uses SOAP, right? It's a very soothing activity, right? You just go to the sink, and turn on the warm water, and then you reach for the soap...

I can think of nothing to say about this that isn't perverted.

But I think the best Hoff product EVER is this:
My awesomeness speaks for itself.

I'd like to make one of these and send it around a la Flat Stanley. If only I knew people crazy enough to do that...

Nicknames

Nicknames have been on my mind lately. There are a lot of reasons for this:

• My son recently proclaimed that his nickname is Luke. His name isn't Lucas or Luccio or anything vaguely Luke-like. Why Luke? I think he thinks he might trick the Universe (or us) into providing a lightsaber.
  
• We had to come up with nicknames for the Class of 2k11. Mine? I'm the Zombie Master. It was either that or Resident Lunatic.
  
• I'm writing a book now that involves lots of roller derby girls. I've been brainstorming derby names for about a year now and it still hasn't gotten old. (Normally it takes me only about six months to write a book, but I've gotten pulled off onto other projects.) Brainstorming derby names is one of the funnest things EVER. If I were a derby girl, I think I'd be Carrie Go Round.

Am I the only person who obsesses about things like this? Am I the only one out there who has picked out a derby name? And if you tell me yours, will you mind if I appropriate it and put it into a book? Because I just might do that...

Things That Make Me Snarf - Shower Products for Men

This week's Thing That Makes Me Snarf comes courtesy of Allie and friends over at Hyperbole and a Half. If you're not sure what to buy your guy friends for Christmas, look no further. Because I've gotcher gift ideas right here.

BAD TASTE IN BOYS blurbs!

Today is about as surreal as they come. Today? I've got blurbs.

Before I start gushing, let me just lay them out for you so you don't think I'm overreacting:

"With this laughing, shrieking riot of a debut, Carrie Harris captured my heart...and my braaaaiins."-Andrea Cremer, NYT bestselling author of NIGHTSHADE

"Kate Grable is my new hero. Thanks to Harris's darkly funny, twisted, and sexy tale of high school drama gone un-deadly wrong, I know who I'm calling during the next zombie apocalypse. Science nerds have never been so cool."-Kiersten White, NYT bestselling author of PARANORMALCY

"BAD TASTE IN BOYS is a nonstop romp, with more mayhem than a mall full of mocha-chugging monkeys. I loved watching Kate try to keep her sensible, scientific head amidst rampaging zombies and amorous football players (often the same people). Bring me my next dose of Carrie Harris NOW!"-Jeri Smith-Ready, award-winning author of SHADE

Shocked, I tell you. SHOCKED. So shocked, in fact, that I've been sitting here blankly trying to think of something witty to say. I'm speechless.

So let me just say this--I am so flattered and astounded and thrilled to be blurbed by these women. They're not only so talented they make my teeth hurt, but they're genuinely NICE PEOPLE. As I get closer to my debut, I'm realizing that the biggest commodity a writer has is TIME. You've got so many demands on it, and so much to do, and it is quite physically impossible to do it all. So THANK YOU Jeri, Kiersten, and Andrea for gifting me with some of your time. Of course I'm glad that you liked the book. Beyond glad, in fact. But the fact that you took time away from all your awesomeness to read and recommend BTIB? Priceless.

There's no way to repay that kind of thing, but I have dreams that someday I'll be able to blurb THEM and have it mean something. I think I'd say the following:

On NIGHTSHADE:
"Ren is ALL MINE." - Carrie Harris, slightly insane author of BAD TASTE IN BOYS

On SHADE:
"Zachary is ALL MINE." - Carrie Harris, highly delusional author of BAD TASTE IN BOYS

On PARANORMALCY:
"Tasey is ALL MINE." - Carrie Harris, possibly extraterrestrial author of BAD TASTE IN BOYS

Note to those who haven't read these books: Ren is a werewolf. Zachary is a cute boy with an accent. Tasey is a pink sparkly taser.

Second note to those who haven't read these books: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? GET THEE HENCE AND START READING!

This is the part where I'm supposed to put a witty close, but all I can do is say THANK YOU one more time and gape.

That DIDN'T Just Happen, Did It?

Have you ever seen or heard something that you totally wouldn't have believed if you read it in a book? I was just telling someone the other day about the day Slayer proposed. He'd bought a bottle of sparkly and a couple of nice glasses, and we toasted each other, and it was all romantic-like. And then I was so flustered by the whole thing that I tried to put the glass down halfway off the table. Naturally, it fell over and broke.

Whoopsie.

Now, one of the things I love about Slayer is that he doesn't hesitate to give me a hard time, and he takes it as good as he gives. So he's washing up the one remaining glass, and he starts talking smack.

"Well, at least we have ONE glass left."

At that EXACT moment, the base of the glass falls off. PLUNK! Right into the sink. He didn't hit it on anything. He didn't move it. It just FELL OFF BY ITSELF.

Now, the scientist in me says there must have been a flaw in the glass, and that combined with the abrupt change in temperature--aw, heck with that. It was the Universe screwing with my husband to be. And to this day, one of us can look at the other and say, "Well, at least we have ONE glass left," and crack each other up.

So have you ever had one of these I-wouldn't-believe-it-in-a-book moments? I want to hear about it!

Things That Make Me Snarf - Organ Trail

Today, I'm going to break with history. Generally, I post a video for the weekly thing that makes me snarf. But not today. Today, I am DEFIANT.

Reminds me of this aborted comic book I was writing with a friend about Defiant Man and his chick sidekick, Groupie Girl. I had a sketch of Defiant Man hanging on my wall. Defiant Man was TEH COOL. But Defiant Man's artist lived in Manchester, and I lived in Ohio, which seemed highly unfair to me. And it never happened.

Wow. Hello, Tangent. I'm Carrie.

Anyway, I'm being defiant because I'm not posting a video today. I'm posting a GAME. A game that will suck away all your time. A game that you will in fact play periodically during the Class of 2k11 launch despite the fact that you have lots to do and your daughter keeps puking on things. (Or maybe you're playing it BECAUSE of those things.) I give you the the zombieriffic replacement for Oregon Trail.

I give you: ORGAN TRAIL!

So if you're stuck on your NaNo novel, you have places to go. See, aren't I nice? I provide a public service!

Speaking of public service, anybody interested in some superridiculouspretty Bad Taste in Boys bookmarks, featuring some superridiculouspretty illustrations by superridiculousbutnotnecessarilypretty Manning Krull? Email me at carrie at carrieharrisbooks dot com with your mailing address, and I'll hook you up.

Class of...Holy Amazingness!!!

One of the things that always strikes me about writing is how I can get SO RIDICULOUSLY close with people I've never met. But after a million emails starting with "I feel like an idiot complaining about this, but I know YOU will understand..." you kinda bond. (Either that, or by some strange coincidence, all their contact info changes and they "forget" to tell you in advance.) And I had the opportunity to join one of those groups this year.

I'm a member of the Class of 2k11, and today is our launch day! We've been working toward this for about a YEAR, and it's so exciting to see it all come together after so long! And I'm particularly excited because I get to share the experience with my fellow Team 11ers. They're some of the best writing friends I've got.

So please stop by the Class of 2k11 to see what we're up to and read the inaugural blog post by...er...me. But before you do, why not take a minute to tell me about the writing support you can't live without?

Figuring Out the Next Steps

I have a confession to make--I get jittery when I'm not working on a book. I got into writing because it does lots of good things for me. It gives me an outlet for all the weirdness floating around in my head, and people don't usually look at me funny. It helps me relax. And when people say, "What are you working on?" I have an answer. Usually a long winded one that makes their eyes glaze over, but it's still an answer.

But this week, I've had so much going on that I haven't written a thing.

Well, not true. I've written blogs. I've written about 700 emails. I've written some web copy for the Class of 2k11 launch, which is TOMORROW! (Don't forget! TOMORROW! There will be FREE THINGS.) But no book.

So today, my goal is to write some fiction, in between cleaning this cesspool of a house and taking care of my poor flu-ridden child. Just a paragraph, universe. That's all I want. Just a paragraph.

Any other compulsive daily writers out there, or are the rest of you normal compared to me? Something tells me I know the answer to this. :)

Putting My Birthday Gifts to Work for YOU

Today, I'm being interviewed by the lovely and gracious Kristi over at Sisters in Scribe. I admitted the truth about my first NaNo book and my old beret. Humiliating, but still true.

NOW. For my birthday, I got the coolest thing. It's a Monster High Frankie Stein Magic 8 Skull. You ask it questions. Like I asked it a question about the success of my WIP, and it said, "Frighteningly likely."

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Frankie. I really appreciate that.

You want the truth?
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
So I want to know, fair readers, what questions do you want answered? Ask any yes or no question in the comments, and I'll put Frankie to work for YOU and post the answers throughout the day.

PARTY!

Today, I'm older than I was yesterday. So I'm giving myself a day off and throwing a party. I also got my hair done.

Come and see the results.

More tomorrow!

Library Appearances and Devil Horns

Last night, I went up to the Brighton Library and met with a teen writers' group called Scribblers Between the Lines. Holy bleeping awesomesauce. I haven't had that much fun in a while. I think the highlight for me was borrowing a pair of glittery devil horns from one of the girls and singing the Barney theme song.

I returned the horns at the end of the night. Reluctantly. I did not keep the Barney song, because that's impossible.

At the end of the night, they did a prompt--write a flash piece incorporating sugar lips and zombie football players. The universe nearly exploded from awesomeness when they read them. These are some seriously talented kids. In fact, the poets inspired me to try my hand at a poem or two. I haven't written any in YEARS.

Anyway, I wanted to take a minute to publicly thank the Scribblers for letting me visit their group and to thank C in particular for lending me those horns. Sparkles make everything better. Including teen writers' groups, cupcakes, the undead...the list goes on and on.

Slayer and Carrie Wreck Havok

This weekend, Slayer and I are leaving the kids with Grandma and Grandpa and going out for a night on the town. Things tend to happen when we go out. Like the one time we went to a new Italian restaurant for dinner, and EVERYONE in the restaurant was off-the-boat Italian. They were all passing babies from table to table, and everyone seemed to know each other. Except us, of course. Then some of the men started watching us out of the corner of their eyes while they muttered to each other in Italian--and something told me they weren't talking about the spaghetti. I half expected to see Marlon Brando in the corner. Seriously. It got so bad that Slayer started looking for bulges in their jackets.

Not muscle bulges, mind you. GUN bulges.

Anyway, I think our server noticed how edgy we were looking, because he let us know that we hadn't stumbled into the middle of Godfather 42. We'd accidentally crashed their opening day party, and the owners had invited all their friends and family.

Whoops. At least it's better than the time we went apartment hunting and he broke into their "impenetrable" security system.

Anyway, between tonight's appearance and this weekend's night out, I'm all excited and can talk about nothing else. Sorry.

Fear of Public Speaking. And Aliens.

I'm doing my First Official Author Appearance Thingy at a teen writer's group tomorrow night. I'm remarkably calm about this. I'm one of those mutant people who actually enjoys public speaking.

Yeah, I may be an alien. I'll peel off my face any minute now.

Here's the thing, though. Enjoying public speaking doesn't mean that I don't get an adrenaline rush. It doesn't mean that I don't get the shakes and the sweaty palms. It means that I think those things are AWESOME. You never know what's going to happen when you get up in front of a crowd. Your 80-some-year-old boss might offer you quarters if you do a little dance. Your AV equipment might start generating sparks. You might compare an infectious disease to a cannoli. Your audience might keep calling you Carrie Fisher, despite the fact that you aren't wearing buns or a chain mail bikini.

At least not on the outside.

And yes, all those examples are true.

A presentation, like a book, is a living thing. If you're a writer, how many times have you started writing a scene with one thing in mind only to find that your characters aren't cooperating? You end up in a totally unexpected place. It often, but not always, turns out better than what you'd so carefully planned. A presentation is like that. Notecards and memorization and preparation are great, but forcing the presentation to adhere to those standards turns out about as well as forcing your book to follow its outline. It doesn't work. At all.

Trust me. I'm an alien; I know these things.

So please, all you presentation fearers? Don't be so hard on yourselves. Your presentation will never turn out exactly the way you planned it. You will flub up your carefully constructed speech. You'll freeze when someone asks you an unexpected question or compliments your chain mail bikini. THAT IS OKAY. People are showing up to see YOU and all your faulty human awesomeness, not some perfect plastic automaton that can simultaneously make a speech on YA lit, juggle flaming bowling pins, and prepare a four course meal.

Although if you ever see an automaton like that, you better let me know. Because I do want to see that. Just not as much as I want to listen to YOU.

So please, wish me luck. I don't want a perfect presentation. I want the kind of appearance that can't be anticipated but makes me snarf milk out my nose when I remember it later. And of course I'll tell you all about it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find something to wear. My chain mail bikini's at the cleaners.

Zombie Preparedness

Anybody watch The Living Dead on Halloween night? Of course I did, because it's practically a part of my job description. I loved the graphic novel, and I thought the show was very well done. And it got me thinking...

Of course I think about the zombocalypse a lot, because again--part of my job description. I really do have a zombocalypse plan. Of course, it's pretty much the same as all our other emergency plans, except that it involves more head shots. And the rules from Zombieland.



So if the zombies attack and you want to join my squad of survivors, come to Michigan and look for the chick pulling twins in a wagon and swinging at zombies with a katana. If you need further identification, I'll be repeatedly yelling, "Double tap!"

Do you have a zombie preparedness plan? If it involves running around and screaming, we need to talk.

Things That Make Me Snarf - Jane Austen Fight Club

I had an AWESOME Halloween. I saw three guys dressed up as a box of ninja dinosaurs. Seriously. I think I might be related in some cosmic way to those kids.

Another bit of awesome? My friend KM Walton sold her book! Thou must go and congratulate her!

So in honor of things that are totally skull, I have to show you this video. I've been sitting on it for a while, because it's not particularly Halloweeny, and I'm about to explode.

I want to join the Jane Austen Fight Club SO BAD.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

You guys are totally SKULL. (As of yesterday, skull is my new word for cool.) Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for the cupcake encouragement.

Today is the day for me to panic and realize that I have no wrapping paper, and if the inlaws are coming over to do my son's birthday celebration tomorrow I should probably have something to stick candles in. My mother made me a birthday meatloaf once (because I asked for it) but something tells me son won't be too crazy about that idea.

So I'm going to keep this short. But I've been saving some of the best zombie awesomeness EVER for today. This one has lots of zombie mayhem (translation--gore), so please take a minute to watch it sans kids.

I HOPE YOU HAVE A TOTALLY SKULL HALLOWEEN!

Snarf.

Skulls R Us

I had so much fun last night. I think I mentioned before that my uber awesome crit group member Laura Riken sent me a book full of monster cupcake recipes, right? Well, last night I made some for the Batson to take to his soccer practice tonight in honor of his birthday. It was my first time working with fondant, and now I'm entirely convinced that I'm going to be the next Ace of (Monster) Cakes.

I'm not, really. But it was freaking fun.

Wanna see?

Eat me! I'm chocolate!

In honor of the awesome skull cupcakes, I have googled. Did you know that when you Google "skulls are," you get:

• Skulls are us. (I would like to shop there. Much better than Toys R Us.)
  
• Skulls are fake. (My head is very sorry to hear this.)
  
• Skulls are available. (And looking for a single, non-smoking, non-drinking skull to share candlelit dinners with.)
  
• Skulls are the perfect solution for anyone. (This is my kind of math. X + Y = skull. The capital of Paraguay? SKULL.)
  
• Skulls are enough. (Why yes. Yes they are.)

My New Movie!!!!

I have exciting news to share! I've just been cast in the remake of Night of the Living Dead, with Arnold Swarzenegger as my costar. Don't believe me? Watch this video I would have liked to embed but couldn't.

Yeah, my character was a wuss. She stood around and did the pee-pee dance while the zombies were attacking. We all know that *I* wouldn't do that.

This is why it's called acting.

Now if only all of this were true...

Pumpkin Butt

Grrr. I spent about a half hour this morning making an awesome Halloween video for you all, but I just lost it and don't have time to remake. We have a LOT of things going on here at Chez Harris this week. As you might imagine, Halloween is a huge week here. Not only is it my favorite holiday, but it's also the day that my son turns seven.

So when I'm not searching for silver dragoons to put on my cupcake skulls and shopping for makeup to monsterize all the Cub Scouts, I'm making arrangements for a bowling party and wrapping gifts. It's all kinds of fun, but something must be sacrificed. I never do the house up the way I want to, partly because it would probably frighten our kids and partly because I never have the time.

But if I could? I would totally do this:



What are your Halloween plans?

Things That Make Me Snarf - Farnold Kruegenegger

In honor of the month of awesome, I bring you the latest horror movie creature:

FARNOLD KRUEGENEGGER!!!

Parents, please be warned that there is an F-bomb in this video. But it's too freaking funny to pass up.

Zombies, Zombies Everywhere!

Happy Friday! I'm going to keep this short today, because the Batson has the day off school, and I've been roped into taking them someplace full of hordes of screaming children. I figure it's good practice for navigating the zombie hordes someday.

But I still have some awesomeness for you! (At least I hope you think it's awesome.) It's a new zombie short! And for once, I actually wrote something kinda serious. Please, head on over to These Dark Things and let me know what you think of it.

And I'll be back on Monday with more Halloween pictures that will make your toes curl. Admit it. You're looking forward to it.

Expert Advice on Ninja Costumes

As you all know, I'm married to a ninja. I think it's totally awesome, except for the part where my socks always go missing. I honestly think his ninja friends come over and pilfer them at night while we're sleeping. They use them as training weaponry. And trust me when I say that socks can HURT if they're wielded by lethal ninjas.

Bring the pain. And make sure it's striped.

So I thought that I would perform a public service for all you last minute Halloween planners out there. I'm going to tell you what you need to make an awesomesauce ninja costume.

First, you need to realize that ninjas consider their belly buttons to be lethal weaponry. It's a little known fact that most ninjas wear crop tops to frighten their enemies.

Beware the button of death!

Ninja clothing is designed to fade into the background. So, for example, if you're going to a Halloween party with a bunch of kids dressed like Care Bears, wrap your head in day-glo towels.

Beware the button of death with towels on it!

One of the most convincing ninja costumes is one that doesn't look like a ninja at all. EVERYONE trusts a strawberry.

This picture came up when I searched for "ninja costumes." I don't get it either.

Aw, who am I kidding? If you want to be a convincing ninja, just wear jeans and a t-shirt. That's what most of my ninja friends wear.

Although this would look a lot better as a crop top.

I hope you feel prepared for Halloween now. I sure do.

One Heck of a Good Day!

Today is a good day! First off, I've got something to celebrate Halloween, and it's not a guy dressed in naked baby dolls. (If this makes no sense to you, please see yesterday's entry. There is no need to call the men in the little white coats. YET.) Some of you may remember the short story I wrote last year called Nosferatu and the Nancy Boys. I love Nossie so much that I couldn't resist revisiting him this year. This year, Nossie's playing party games with ghosts over at Maurissa Guibord's Haunted House spectacular! Let me know what you think of it!

AND. If that's not enough awesomeness, you can now preorder Bad Taste in Boys on Amazon!

Ahem. Stop. You didn't read that last sentence right. For accuracy, you need to jump up and down hysterically and mash all the words together in a high pitched voice so it sounds kind of like YOUCANNOWPREORDERBADTASTEINBOYSONAMAZONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Much better.

Anyway, this is a whole lot of surreal. Cannot believe it's really happening. Thanks for letting me share it. What good news do you have today? I needs to hear it!

Halloween Costumes NOT To Wear

If you've been here much, you'll know that I talk a lot about awesome Halloween costumes that I'd like to wear. Well, today, I'd like to talk about the opposite--Halloween costumes that sprain my reality. And not in a good way.

So please. Whatever you do, don't wear these things. If you do, please don't tell anyone we know each other.

1. Nudist Vampire

Tip from Carrie: A cape alone does not a vampire make.


You think this is bad? You should see him when he swoops down from above.

2. Baby Man

I don't even know what this is! I mean, I know it's a guy wearing a bunch of naked baby dolls, but... but...

The words, they fail me.

3. Tigger Spiderman

And here's the picture that inspired this post. Last night, Slayer showed me this photo, and I laughed so hard I nearly ruptured something. I can't decide which amuses me more, the costume, his expression, or the fact that he's standing in front of a Spy Kids poster.

Growl, baby. Totally growl.

I'll probably post more later. But I've got to stop before I sprain something.

Resisting the Sparkle

As of today, I am officially done with copyedits! WOOT! But you all know what this means. I need to figure out what I'm working on next.

Dum dum DUM.

Now I've got a handful of projects in various stages of completion. And a few of those projects have some real potential. I know I ought to work on one of them and FINISH it.

But the pretty sparkly ideas keep coming. And they're so INTERESTING. I have a girl talking to me right now that has Super Sekrit Problems, and they're freaking AWESOME. They drive me to RANDOM CAPITALIZATION, so you immediately know how EXCITED I am about this idea. I want to write about her RIGHT NOW. But I know I shouldn't.

I know it's responsible to finish at least one of the projects I'm currently working on. And I have more Halloween guest posts to write. So I've decided to spend this week finishing those things up, and then next week I'm allowed to spend a little time with the new, pretty, sparkly idea. And I'm saying this publicly so I'm required to stick to it.

How do you resist the sparkle?

Random Randomness

A few matters of business:

Checketh out my interview with the Book Scout and learn what it would like to be in a math class taught by moi!

I'm currently in the process of setting up visits to a handful of teen writers' groups and classrooms. Wouldst thou liketh a visit (if I promise not to talk like that)? Contacteth me!

Don't forget to vote on the second round semifinals for the funniest creature championships. The merpires and werecats need your votes. If you don't vote and end up getting pelted with fish sticks and corn cobs, it's not my fault. ;)

I'm going to keep this short today. I'm finishing up my copy edits (whee!) and cleaning the house in preparation for a whole weekend of family fun! We have no soccer games; no one is sick, and I'm just looking forward to seeing my favorite ninja and three crazy lunatics. Hope you all have a lovely one too!

PS - I got battery powered mini lights for my sparkly vampire costume yesterday. It will be EPIC.

The Funniest Creature Championships - Round 2 Semifinals

Welcome to Round 2 of the Funniest Creature Semifinals. Right now, the Cullens are SMASHING Mutant Richard Simmons from the Planet Nonose in Round 1. If you haven't voted, you should. Or at least go and see a Muppet beating the bleep out of Edward Cullen.

Today, you've got to choose between two very snarfy contenders. Which do you think is funnier--Merpires or corncob wielding werecats?

CREATURE 1: Merpires
One of my current WIPs opens with a supernaturally beautiful boy standing in a clearing by the lake. He belongs in a commercial for hair gel. He's so hot he practically lights the water on fire. And he jumps out of his pants.

His legs morph into fins, of course. It's my personal opinion that leaping out of one's pants is the most ridiculous supernatural power ever. It's right up there with sparkles. And sloshing.

This illustration is, of course, post pants-leap.


CREATURE 2: Corncob wielding werecats
Our second contestant is an incestuous, virgin-soul-eating werecat. I'm sorry to say that he was a little upset when we made fun of his 80s hair last week, so he got a new do. Here it is:

CHEESE!

I wouldn't laugh at him anymore, either. Because you do remember what happens to people that laugh at the freaky looking werecats, right?

DEATH BY COB, that's what!

So....what do you think? Vote in the comments! The winner will face off in the finals next week. OOOOOOOOOH.

Things That Make Me Snarf - Mermen, the Centaurs of the Sea

This video made me laugh so hard. Parents, please note that it's PG13 for some very strange interspecies sexual references.



Also, if you're looking for a little critiquey goodness, the Undercover Book Lover is auctioning off a 20 page critique from moi, and all proceeds benefit Pakistan Flood Relief. There's plenty of other awesomeness up for grabs over there, so please go check it out!

The Funniest Creature Championships - Round 1 Semifinals

Ooooooooh. This is going to be tough. Last week, you all chose The Cullens and mutant Richard Simmons as the creatures that crack you up. This week, you've got to tell me which one makes you crack up MORE. That's right, peeps. It's the semifinals.

CREATURE 1: The Cullens

Last week, we talked about how the Cullens make me want to dance around singing a sparkle song and doing jazz hands. This week, let's think a little about what the other vampires must think about the Cullens. Something tells me they're not exactly invited to all the blood baths. In fact, I think the Cullens are pretty much the uber geeks of the vamp set. Vampires aren't impressed by hair gel or sparkling.

Don't believe me? Take a look at this visual aid.


Anything with a Muppet in it is funny. When the Muppet's beating the bleep out of a sparkly, bloodsucking sex symbol, it becomes REALLY FUNNY.


CREATURE 2: Mutant Richard Simmons

I was speechless about this photo last week, and I'm still speechless. It's hard to top mutant Richard Simmons from the planet Nonose. Mutant Richard pretty much speaks for himself, anyway. And he sounds like he has the world's WORST head cold.



He also seems to have misplaced his eyebrows. I hate it when that happens, don't you?

So please, tell me in the comments! Which one cracks you up harder?

Halloween Help--I Needs It!

I think I've finally decided what I'm going to be for Halloween. Unfortunately, Zombie Gaga is a little too scary for my younguns (not to mention expensive). I'll have to cover myself in bubbles and skin lesions another year. So instead, I think I'm going to be a sparkly vampire. By this, I don't mean that I'm buying a vampire costume and putting on sparkle makeup. No, I'm getting a pair of big horking fangs and covering myself with huge glow in the dark stars or something.

And that's where you come in. See, glow in the dark stars are great, but once they stop glowing, I'm just going to be a mom with fangs. Any ideas? I need something big and obnoxiously sparkly. If I could staple little disco balls to my clothing, that would be perfect.

Help?

And what are you going to be for H-ween? You ARE dressing up, aren't you?

The Funniest Creature Championships - Were Bracket

Have you voted this week? I'm not talking about elections. I'm talking about the Funniest Creature Championships. We're electing the most amusing creatures in existence. We've voted on vampires, mutant celebrities, and monster mashups so far. And now, it's time to give the weres some love.

By now, you should know how this works. I give you two creatures and tell you why I think they're funny. You vote for one of them in the comments. The winner goes on to the semifinals. I fully expect you to read my blog next week wearing face paint and monster jerseys. And maybe waving around one of those big foam hands.

Honestly? I just want one of those big foam hands.

And here are today's creatures.

CREATURE 1: Teen Wolf
Let's cut to the chase with this one. When I think of werewolves, I think of big hairy Cuisinarts with slavering teeth and pointy claws. I do not think of Michael J. Fox with overgrown facial hair, van surfing, or slam dunks. Furthermore, he dates a girl named Boof.

Don't I look like a Boof dater? Good thing I left my slavering teeth at home.

CREATURE 2: The Werecats from Sleepwalkers
How many of you have seen Sleepwalkers? This little gem was based off a Stephen King story, and it's about...man I find it difficult to TYPE without giggling. It's about a pair of incestuous, soul sucking, mutant-looking werecats.

And I have 80s hair.

You'd think things couldn't get any worse, but then one of the werecats kills somebody by stabbing him in the back...with a corn cob.

I call this the Death Cob. Or the Cob Killer. Or...uh...something.

Soooo. Vote, people! Vote! And if you missed any of the earlier entries, voting's still open. Make thine voice heard on matters of importance, like girls named Boof and corn cob killers.

The Funniest Creature Championships - Mashup Creature Bracket

The short version: We're voting for funny monsters in honor of October, my favorite month ever.

Which one do you find funnier? Today, we're talking about mashup creatures. As you know, I love making mashups. The Tooth Fairy is funny. Posh Spice is funny. Toothy Spice is HILARIOUS. So here are two mashups that I find particularly amusing.

CREATURE 1: Frankenthulhu

Here's how I look at it--Dr. Frankenstein was a real dillweed. You can bet if he saw a grave that said, "Here, Great Cthulhu lies dreaming. DO NOT DISTURB UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE A MIDNIGHT SNACK," he'd dig up that grave and take Cthulhu's head. And then you'd end up with this:

I have tentacles AND neck bolts. And if you squeeze my head, I squeak. OoOoOoH!

CREATURE 2: Merpire

Why are merpires funny?

1. They smell like fish sticks.
   
2. When you're sleeping, they drag their baby pools into your room and slosh around.
   
3. A hot date to a merpire = wrapping you up in saran wrap and sloshing around in the baby pool TOGETHER.
   
4. Instead of sparkling, they glow in the dark.
   
5. Two words: merpire beefcake.

Hubba hubba. (Picture awesomeness courtesy of Natalie Whipple.)

So, which one do you think is more amusing?

Things That Make Me Snarf - Twilight Monster Mash

I hope you enjoy this one as much as I did. And don't forget to vote for the funniest vampires and mutant celebrities! Next up: funniest monster mashups!

The Funniest Creature Championships - Mutant Celebrity Bracket

Did you vote in yesterday's vampire bracket? Do you have any idea what the bleep is going on? Never fear, I'm here! Well, not HERE here. Because it would be creepy if I teleported around and stood behind people while they read my blog. But I'm with you in spirit.

Yeah, I have no idea what I'm talking about either.

Okay, here's the scoop. In honor of my favorite month, I'm determined to scientifically determine the funniest monster ever. Yesterday, we voted on the most amusing vampire. Today: mutant celebrities!

Here's how it works: I give you a brief rundown of the two highly qualified contestants. You vote in the comments. The winner will move on to the semifinals. It's all highly scientific here at Chez Harris. OOOOOOOOOOH.

So, without further ado, here are today's contestants:

CREATURE 1: Mutant Richard Simmons
I've been sitting here trying to figure out something to say about this photo for about ten minutes now. But all I can do is laugh.

I think it speaks for itself:

Little did the unsuspecting humans know, but Richard was secretly an alien from the planet Nonose.


CREATURE 2: Mutant David Hasselhoff
I find Hoff funny in any form. But I find him exceptionally funny when he's a Siamese twin. He could be his own partner in Dancing With the Stars.

Now I can stare longingly into my twin's eyes and serenade him with my hit song, DO! WITH OLIVES!

So there you have it, peeps. Which cracks you up the hardest?

The Funniest Creature Championships - Vampire Bracket

Welcome to October! October is my FAVORITE MONTH EVER. Halloween is my FAVORITE HOLIDAY EVER. Caps lock is my FAVORITE KEY EVER. Anyway. In honor of October, I've decided to explore a topic of IMMENSE IMPORTANCE. Snarfy monsters. I talk about snarfy monsters a lot on this blog, and I think it's about time that we delve deep into this topic. I'm talking scientific method, peeps.

OoOooOooh!

So, without further ado, I bring you the Funniest Creature Championships. Over the next month, YOU are going to choose the snarfiest creature out there from a list of eight highly qualified finalists. I even have a highly scientific Excel spreadsheet.

Bow down before my mad Excel skilz!

Here's how it works. I'll give you two creatures and a brief rundown on why I find them hilarious. You vote in the comments. The one that gets the most votes moves on to the next bracket. Awe-inspiring science, isn't it?

First, we've got the vampire bracket. I think you all know what's coming.

CREATURE 1: The Cullens
Funny for one very simple reason--their powers are super strength, super speed, and pretty sparkles. They inspire cartoons like THIS.


In short, any creature that makes me want to prance around the room going "Sparkle sparkle sparkle!!!" and doing jazz hands is FUNNY. And the Cullens make me want to do that.


CREATURE 2: The Roller Skating Vampire
Imagine this: you've just learned that bloodsuckers are invading your town. You are an idiot and decide to walk around at night anyway, just for kicks. And then...gasp! You see a vampire in a darkened alley! It roller skates right toward you with its claws outstretched, and it's a cross dresser, and--

Wait a minute. Roller skates? Cross dresser?

If this was chasing me, I might die. But it would be from laughter.

The movie is Fright Night 2, which is one of the best films EVER. And when I say that, I really mean that it's so horrible that it's magnificent.

So. Which do you find funnier? The Cullens or the rollerskating vampire? I HAZ 2 KNO. And make sure to tune in again tomorrow to see the mutant pictures I've found of my favorite celebrities. Too freaking funny.

All About Copyedits

I'm slowly but surely sounding less like a transgendered vampire 800 operator. Thanks for all the well wishes.

Of course, my recovery was aided by the arrival of a cover printout and my copyedits yesterday. I did some jumping. And some squealing. And then some choking, because my throat can't quite handle the squeals just yet. And then some turning blue and some Heimlich maneuvering against my kitchen chair.

Okay, that last bit is a slight exaggeration. But otherwise it's embarrassingly accurate.

I was admittedly a little worried about the copyedits. I had no idea what they'd look like. Maybe there would be no white space left after they'd gotten done tearing apart my writing and putting it back together again. Maybe I would want to cry. I'm happy to report that copyedits are not scary at all! And a lot of the things are what you'd expect: tense changes and bits on page 27 that contradict what was said on page 1. Repeated words. Changes for clarity.

And then there are the queries that I find absolutely hilarious. For example, should the word awesomesauce be hyphenated? (Obvs, I vote no.) Should the boy in the chicken suit have a thumb impediment or a hand impediment? Should "zombie preparedness posse" be capitalized, hyphenated, or written in giant sparkly letters?

THESE ARE QUESTIONS OF NATIONAL IMPORTANCE. Clearly, everyone needs to ask themselves questions like these. I also would like to take my copyeditor out for lunch so we could debate these issues. Would any of you like to join us? And what is your stance on the above issues? If I agree with you, I might nominate you for president.

SICK sick

I'm sick. I'm sure you're all nodding right now and saying things like, "Durr, Carrie. Tell us something we DON'T know," but I'm talking SICK sick. Like the kind of sick where I sound like a transvestite vampire who works for one of those 800 numbers sick.

The good news is that I can run around going, "I vant to suck your BLOOOOD! And sparklesparklesparkle!" I've got the perfect voice for it.

But anyway, it's a good thing that the lovely Maggie, teen aspiring writer extraordinaire, has interviewed me. Because otherwise you'd have to listen to me babble on about transvestite vampires. Instead, why don't you go here and listen to me ramble about my imaginary name change?

It's MY turn to interview YOU

I've been answering a lot of interview questions lately. And it seems to me that authors tend to get repeats. Ellen Hopkins has probably answered about seven million questions about censorship. The same probably goes for Stephanie Perkins and kissing Hot British Men, Kiersten White and how-did-you-get-so-funny, and JK Rowling and can-I-borrow-some-money-please.

And then there's me. I get questions about goofy supernatural creatures. And today, I'm going to turn the tables. What's YOUR favorite supernatural creature? Does it sparkle? Does it have a dorsal fin and smell like fish sticks? Is it related even vaguely to The Hoff? (Bonus points if it has chest hair.)

These are matters of vital international importance. I need to know. Because apparently, I don't have enough book ideas. I just came up with another doozy last night.

Things That Make Me Snarf - Darth Vader's iPhone

Aw, sweet! It comes in red too!

Signs That You've Made It

The other day, I noticed something TOTALLY AWESOME. My book is up on Goodreads. And it got one of those random one star ratings from someone who CANNOT POSSIBLY have read it. There are no ARCs. Galleys are forthcoming. The only way this person could have read my book is by breaking into my house, slogging through the water in the basement from our &*(#ing malfunctioning water heater, and cracking my super creative computer password. Or you could try to get it from my agent/editor/critique partners...

I do not recommend any of these things. My crack ninja attack squad is poised to protect my peeps. And my son learned how to sharpen stakes this weekend, so all you sparkly vampires out there better watch out too.

Seriously. He's six. And he brought me this wooden stake, all excited. "Look, Mom! Let's make some together!" I'm thinking maybe I should give him a new nickname: Vampire Hunter C.

Anyway. I'm ridiculously proud of this one star rating. Something must have attracted this person's attention enough to make him push that button, right? Either that, or he has a real aversion to hot gridiron hunks. I couldn't possibly understand why.

How could you NOT love us? We are hot. And gridirony. And we got our swerve on.

Obviously, I've chosen to deal with negative reviews by cracking jokes. This doesn't for a second mean that a well thought out criticism isn't going to resonate with me. It just means that I'll take any excuse to use the word "gridirony."

How do you deal with negative criticism, bookish or otherwise?

Title Improvements Courtesy of Babelfish

Am I the only person out there who dreams about seeing my book in a foreign language? And did I or did I not just ask the stupidest rhetorical question ever?

Anyway, I've been thinking about the whole foreign rights thing lately. No, I'm not trying to hint at any news, just that I was thinking the other day about how cool it would be. And really, the thing I wonder about most is what my title would sound like in translation.

I shall wonder no more, thanks to the awesomeness that is BABELFISH. I love Babelfish. If Babelfish were a person, I'd pour sparkles on my head and sneak into its bedroom to watch it sleep. That's how much I love it.

Anyway, I translated BAD TASTE IN BOYS into Spanish, and Portuguese, and Chinese, and French...

And then I translated it back into English, just because I wanted to see what would happen. This is what my title turned into:

In the Young People Taste Mal

Poor young people. I don't think you taste mal at all.

Sooo...if you're looking to waste time today, play the Babelfish game and leave your new and improved title in the comments. I needz a laugh today, peepul!

Help Me, Shambling Hordes!

I got the coolest thing in the mail yesterday from one of my crit group mates, Laura Riken, whose book Cybernetic comes out in 2012 from Disney/Hyperion. And it's SO. GOOD. Laura sent me a copy of this:

Zombies and cupcakes. Just as good as chocolate and peanut butter. Maybe even as good as chicken and telephones.

The only problem with this is that now I have to decide which ones to make first. The Day of the Dead skulls? Eyeball cupcakes? Zombie hands? Help me, shambling hordes. I need guidance.

Also, last night at dinner, I found myself saying, "Honey, my armpit has nothing to do with my power to keep you safe," to my son. We were talking about superpowers. And mutants. Anyway, I'm adding that to the list of sentences I never thought would cross my lips.

That's all.

Pantser, Plotter, or Gas Station Attendant

I used to be a very strict Pantser. (A Pantser is a person who writes by the seat of her pants, versus a Plotter who has notes arranged in color coded notebooks and knows the eye color of the guy who appears for two lines on page 56 and then gets killed by the rampaging were-simmons.) When I wrote my first YA, the one that got me agented, I wrote the whole thing, editing as I went, and then...THEN I wrote a revision post-it. It had little notes about the things I needed to change written in all different directions, and in my spare time I folded it into a little puppet guy. That was my one grudging nod to organization.

Flash forward a while. Now I have an editor. Editor points out that my Pantser, puppet making self has some serious issues with settings. And pacing. And the fact that one guy shows up and doesn't leave for about a hundred pages. (Why didn't I NOTICE that before?) I have no choice. I take on some Plotter tendencies. I make Excel spreadsheets. And I think, "Why didn't I think of this before? I'm ADDICTED to Excel spreadsheets. Ask my husband. I pretty much selected our house based on the strength of my Excel spreadsheet. I think I made our realtor's eyes roll back in her head when I gave her such a specific set of criteria for our house-to-be."

Organizing via Excel seems to work for me, although I started a new book using my old Pantser ways just because it's fun. And writing should be fun. I picked it as a career because it's fun, and that's no reason for it to stop being fun.

Can you tell I was trying to see how many times I could use the word "fun" in a paragraph before my eyes started to bleed? Apparently, that number is 4.

So now, I'm a strange hybrid of a Pantser and Plotter, kinda like a liger only not as kewl. But I've just learned that I'm doing it wrong. I should be asking the people at the gas station.

What about you? Are you a Pantser? Plotter? Gas station attendant? If so, I have this question about ninja weaponry...

Things That Make Me Snarf - New Moon in a Minute

This video cracks me up. Especially when Jacob turns into Lassie.

Just Another Random Monday

Last night, I was laying in bed with a song stuck in my head. Remember how I posted about the Cthulhu ninja zombie last week? Well, there's this thing in Lovecraft's Cthulhu mythos about "Cthulhu ftagn," which means Cthulhu sleeps or Cthulhu dreams, which is a good thing because otherwise he'd be simultaneously devouring us and making us insane.

Not a good way to spend a Monday morning. However, it does sound like some corporate jobs I've heard of.

Anyway, I discovered that the words "Cthulhu ftagn" go really well to the tune of "Hakuna Matata" from The Lion King.

Cthulhu ftagn!
What a wonderful phrase!
Cthulhu ftagn!
It means he's sleeping!
Won't be driving us craaaaazy!
Cthulhu ftagn!

You're welcome.

At a family picnic this weekend, I told my Cousins of Frawesomeness (Hello, Cousins of Frawesomeness! I still think it's uber kewl that you read my blog!) that I was glad they weren't stalkers. I've found that this is an ideal way to endear yourself to family--backhandedly accuse them of creepiness. You should try it.

In my case, they just laughed, because they know better than to take me seriously. They are smart. And frawesome.

Has everybody entered the WriteOnCon Epic Giveaway of Epic Epicness? Because you should. As a part of my swag, I'm crocheting a zombie football player. I just finished his arm nubs yesterday.

Arm nubs. Almost as awesome a phrase as Cthulhu ftagn, but not quite.

Yeah, I'll shut up now.