Wednesday, September 3, 2008

The Sexy Creature Awards

I have a confession to make. Every time I read a vampire book, there's this little soundtrack running continuously in the back of my head, and it sounds something like this:

When I say I've got issues, I really mean it.

But honestly, I think the whole lure of the vampire thing is that, like Right Said Fred and their glistening baldness, they are sexy. You will not see a vampire guy shuffling around in a plaid button down with a pocket protector. You will never catch a vampire chick in a sack skirt and a sailor blouse. These things are not permitted by the Vampiric Laws of Clothing, which can be easily summarized as: Vampiric clothing must put the EEEEEE! in sex-EEEEEE!

It's also a little known fact that vampires will spontaneously combust if you dress them in last year's fashions. Because really, that whole stake and mallet thing is just so passe. Garlic does nothing, but a well-placed pair of bellbottoms will stop a vampire dead in their tracks.

Get it? DEAD? Mwahahaha!

But if you think about it, vampires really take the Sexy Creature Award hands down. Because their competition is pretty weak:

1. Anyone who finds zombies sexy (lurch-lurch-uuungh!) needs some serious therapy.
2. Werewolves are out unless you happen to be attracted by the concept of a hairy Cuisinart with a licking fetish.
3. Fairies aren't too bad; I dated one once but he was prettier than me. Not so much sexy, just pretty.
4. Sasquatch are right out for one reason: hairy toes.
5. Ghosts are disembodied, which pretty much takes them out of the sexy competition, unless they sound like Sean Connery in which case they're frontrunners.

So unless you've got a better idea or can produce a ghost that sounds like Mr. Connery, this month's Sexy Creature Award is going to go to the vamps.


Cate Gardner said...

LOL! What a post.

Tabitha said...

Hilarious!! I should really stop drinking coffee while I'm reading your blog. :)

PJ Hoover said...

Totally with you on the zombies, though I can see the werewolf side of things.

Carrie Harris said...

Maybe I should start posting warnings, Catherine and Tabitha? :)

I do know what you mean, PJ. There's something about scruff, and werewolves are all about the scruff. I suppose it would depend on the werewolf, wouldn't it?

Angela said...

Ummmm.... I never really looked at it that way before.

But I think I'd prefer a werewolf .... in human form of course.

Brenda said...

I agree...Vampires are SEXY! I get tingles all over when I read a vampire story...ah, well, ah, anyway...that's another story...grin...

I've never been into hairy chests, so that leaves the werewolf out and although Zombies aren't big talkers...which gives me lots of room to talk without interruption...I can't imagine get romantic with one...and a ghost...that sort of defeats the purpose of hugs and kisses...grin..

Love your blog!

Lilfix (blueboard)

Carrie Harris said...

Heh. Brenda, I might have some books that you'd like. Y'know, the more grown up... er.. vampire books.


So it looks like werewolves are coming in a close second...

Tiny T said...

I know I'm reading your later posts since I've become an avid reader of your fabulous blog, but I had to post a comment :)

I am definitely more into the vampires. I like clean-shaven and smooth chest *blush* I read some vampire stories that definitely stuck with the black tight clothes and trench coat. Gotta have the trench coat!

However, when I here that song I here something entirely different in my mind. This is the version that is stuck in my mind:

It wouldn't let me attach the video in response so I guess you have to visit the site yourself. Sorry :(