Thursday, April 30, 2009


Slayer is on vacation next week, and we're hoping to get away for a night. Our six-year anniversary is in May, and we've only been on one bleeping vacation in our entire ten-ish years together. And then a couple of years ago, we stayed overnight in a hotel to celebrate an anniversary, and he accidentally brought two right shoes, then burnt a hole in the back of his shirt while ironing it. (It's not his fault. I was cracking jokes and distracting him.) Later that night, we went down to the hotel bar and saw a band that stole Roxette's hair.

Give our hair back, damnit!

And really, how can you resist a repeat of a trip like that? Especially when it's with Slayer. I don't think I appreciate him enough. When I think of some of the other twits I could have ended up with, it makes every cell in my body wince in unison. I realize that I have repeatedly referred to my ex-boyfriends in passing, but I've never given you a full rundown of my dating history.

So here's a quick review.

Boys That I've Dated, B.S. (Before Slayer)
  1. You're already familiar with the guy who got the cue ball stuck in his mouth.
  2. There was the one who thought he was a werewolf. He frenzied on my couch and tried to tear it into pieces. Emphasis on tried.
  3. You know the little guy in the mob movies that does all the talking? Yeah, I dated him.
  4. There was the one who slept with my best friend at church camp.
  5. I dated one guy who never took off his trench coat. I suspect he wore it while he was sleeping.
  6. There was the one who always wore a Speedo. He looked good in it, but still.
  7. I quickly broke up with the guy who kept trying to swallow my nose when he kissed me.
  8. One guy thought he was a vampire and used to put red-tinted corn syrup on people and try to lick it off.
  9. I was convinced that this one boy was gay until he asked me out. Let's just say that my first instincts were right.
  10. There was the guy who actually bled whiskey. At least it smelled like it.
  11. I caught one boyfriend negotiating with a girl who worked at my gym. He was trying to buy a video of me in the shower. He quickly became an EX boyfriend. The goober. (And for those of you who end up Googling "shower video"? Let me tell you now; you're in the wrong place, honey.)
  12. One guy used to get down on his hands and knees and beg when he wanted something. So I bought him dog treats. This seems mean unless you've actually eaten Milk Bones before. The mint flavored ones are really good.
  13. One boy had a sister who used to like to spike the KoolAid and watch us get drunk. Sadly, we didn't realize this until later. Much later.
  14. Another guy took me to a party on our first date and showed me slides from his Spring Break. About 15 of them were photos of the toilet after he used it. UGH.

Sadly enough, this is not a comprehensive list, but you get the idea. TGFS. Thank God for Slayer.


Lina said...

I feel with you. It's a well establish fact among my friends that my taste in men suck. Atleast I'm aware of it. Guess that's something.

Keri Mikulski said...

Love the list! Tons of book ideas there. :)

Happy Anniversary!

Aaron Polson said...

I always wondered how those guys landed dates. Really.

Jamie Eyberg said...

Wow. I think you are right. Slayer is a great choice.

Natalie Whipple said...

You got some real winners there. I'm not sure any of mine compare. Of course, I barely dated...I was super shy.

Anonymous said...

LOL. I especially cracked up over the werewolf guy. What a vivid visual...
Man, Carrie - where did you find these guys? Remind me never to go there.

Kiersten White said...

Your list made me even more grateful that I met Hot Stuff when I was eighteen. I only managed to rack up a long-distance boyfriend who'd rather spend time with his brother than me and a gay guy. Like you I should have known--when the dude you're dating is more feminine than you are, there's probably something wrong with the relationship.

Hooray for Slayer and happy endings to strange stories ; )

Cate Gardner said...

I haven't lived. :)

Fox Lee said...

I can only think of one reason a sister would want to get her brother and his date drunk. Then again, I read a lot of Greek mythology.

Davin Malasarn said...

Milk bones. That's hilarious! I really hope you have a chance to relax and enjoy yourselves. Ten years is a loooooong time to not have a proper vacation. You should definitely prioritize it.

Kelly Polark said...

Funny list! Yay for Slayer! Have a great vacation.

Ray Veen said...

At least guys give you interesting reasons to break up with them.

With girl's, it's always the same story: they quickly learn to despise you.

K.C. Shaw said...

Wow. The only guys I ever date turn out to be colorless computer nerds. I'm sure there are great computer nerds out there, but none of them have asked me out.

Enjoy your vacation!

Anonymous said...

u might just have the most interesting dating history ever.

Stephanie Perkins said...

"The mint flavored ones are really good."


And happy anniversary :)

Mariah Irvin said...

Definitely TGFS!!!

Christina Farley said...

Happy Anniversary! Yeah to get away. My husband have been married now for twelve years but since having kids, we've only gotten away for a few hours at a time. So yeah you!