Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Twilight Parody - Meatballs Are Not For Kissing

I have still failed to come up with a title for the Twilight parody, although y'all had some rocking good suggestions. Somewhere out there in the proverbial ether there is a play on words involving sparkly merpires, and I intend to find it.

Oh, and I already hit number one on the "good ideas for a Twilight parody." Awful quick, wasn't it? Either way, I've declared it the week o' Twilarity, and Twilarity we shall have.

Sparkly Twilarity, even.

You may also notice that I've got a link to past editions of the Twilight parody in the sidebar in case you've missed any. They're kind of sort of sequential. Kinda.

Edition 4: Meatballs Are Not For Kissing

Luckily, Ellba didn't have to explain the baby pool, because Harley didn't even come into the room. He always said that the vampire and guppy print wallpaper gave him nightmares.

"Sorry to wake you up, Harley," said Ellba. "I think the painkillers are making me talk in my sleep."

"But I thought I heard sloshing."

"Oh, I slosh in my sleep too. You should hear me. Slosh slosh slosh, all the time. Sometimes I slosh so loud that I can't hear myself think."

"I've noticed that." Harley backed away, closing the door behind him. "G' night."

That was one thing that Ellba liked about her father: he didn't hover. He left her alone to hang out with freaky supernatural creatures in her room in the middle of the night.

"Ward?" she said quietly.

A streak of ochre light crossed the floor, slipping into the baby pool without even rippling its sparkling surface. Then Ward smiled at her, the cockeyed kind of smile that says, "Yeah, I might be a semi-stalker, but that's okay because I am sparkly and sexy. Sparkle sparkle sparkle."

Or maybe he said that out loud. Ellba wasn't sure. The painkillers, remember?

She smiled in delight. "I'll go put on my bathing suit and swathe my injured leg in a roll of Saran Wrap to keep my bandages dry. Wait right here."

Moments later, she slipped into the pool beside him. It was tough being so close to him, the glint of the bedside lamp on his ochre scales drove her to distraction. Her pulse thumped so loud that she was sure he could hear it.

She couldn't stand it any longer.

"Kiss me," she said, tilting her chin up to his. "I'm not afraid."

"What?" he replied. "I couldn't hear you. You're sloshing too loud."

"Kiss me, damnit!"

"Ellba, you don't understand how dangerous that would be for you. I don't know if I could explain it in terms you could understand, but I'll try." He paused thoughtfully, his fin churning the water in a rhythmic, almost hypnotic pulse.

"My love," he said finally, "you smell like a meatball."

Ellba sniffed her armpit. "Really? I haven't rubbed myself with any meat products lately."

"You don't need to. It's a natural part of your being. I noticed it that first day when you walked into Chemistry class."

"Oh! So that's why you tried to pour pasta sauce on me!"

"Exactly. It's one of your most endearing characteristics. I mean, the whole klutz thing works; don't get me wrong. And the part where you're not creeped out by my stalkerish tendencies is nice. But mostly, I love you because you remind me of ground beef."

"That's so romantic, Ward. But why won't you kiss me?"

Ward sighed. "Well, I drink blood, right? Human blood. And you're human. So it would kind of be like you going out to the pasture and kissing the cow before they made it into hamburger."

"Kissing me is like kissing a cow?" Ellba wrinkled her nose. "I'm not sure I like that."

"A cute cow," replied Ward, curling his fin around her Saran Wrapped legs and pulling her closer.

"You smell so yummy," he murmured in her ear. "You don't have any pasta sauce, do you?"


K.C. Shaw said...

*howls with glee* Thank you! This totally made up for reading a book I didn't like yesterday!

The Saran Wrap has me giggling helplessly--and it's not often that I can say that.

Hanna Banana said...

(laughing so much making it difficult to breathe) I think this is my fav one yet! Got the best visual of Elba sniffing her armpits.

"I slosh in my sleep."

Jamie Eyberg said...

Oh, man. This is a hoot.

Natalie Whipple said...

You need to post a disclaimer at the beginning, just in case people are drinking hot beverages while reading.

I just don't want you to get sued, I'm nice like that.

Anonymous said...

"Slosh, slosh, slosh." I think you're gonna seeing a lot of sloshing tweets from me today.
Ok, I'm off to share this.
Ya know, spread the love...

Kiersten White said...

He's her own special brand of ground meat...


And SQUEEEEEEEEEEE! Nothing is hotter than stalkers!!!

Kiersten White said...

Ooh, ooh, also, can we please have some "my love for you is like [insert hard drug here]" metaphors? Because nothing says love like destructive, addictive, life-destroying substances.

Anonymous said...

Kiersten -

My love for you is like A. homemade methamphetamine B. chewing tobacco fresh from the can (a little less life-destroying but straight-up nasty) C. The stuff Zom Cruise sniffs in THE MINORITY REPORT.

Other options:

-Pure crack - ya know, the good stuff.
-Wellies (to help w/ the sloshing)
-Something mermen eat. Unfortunately I couldn't Google this.
- ::cough::merjuice::cough::

Samantha said...


The fin bit. And sparkle sparkle sparkle. Rubbing meat products?
I'm laughing. By myself. At my computer.

Kiersten White said...

Ooh, Kristy, yeah!

Ellba looked into Cob's eyes. Her heart skipped a beat. It had been doing that so much lately she was scheduled for a pacemaker. "Cob, you just don't understand. It's like...you're like my home meth-lab. But Ward, he's like the meth I make in my home meth-lab. The lab itself is replaceable, but the meth...I can't live without it. I'm sorry." Ellba's eyes filled with tears. She loved Cob. Just not as much as she loved Ward, because Ward was all hot and sparkly. You can't compete with sparkles. And, for reasons beyond human comprehension, they both loved her, too, in spite of her constant whining and crippling insecurity. Maybe she had a nicer rack that she realized.

(Sorry, Carrie. You just inspire me SO MUCH I can't help myself.)

Scillius Maximus said...

Hmmm . . .

Sloshing is cool.

Don't drink hot beverages while reading this blog -- which will probably end up being a label that is a federal offense to remove.

And I think Kiersten wants a stalker.

. . . Ok

::Scillius begins whistling a tune, when heard, makes you think of boats & islands & the professor & Mary Ann::

Looks like it's going to be a week long cruise.

Kiersten White said...

I've had one, actually. Not as much fun as Carrie's parody would have you think.

Mariah Irvin said...

I can't stop laughing. Seriously. It hurts now. You cause me pain in a funny way.

So I've been wondering, does Ward have any weird mental power? Maybe he can turn fountains with his eyes or talk to dolphins or something.

Okay, those are bad examples, but I think you're missing a crucial element of the sparkliness!

Scillius Maximus said...

Oh Good Kiersten. For a minute there I thought we were going to have to get a RRNAS** assigned to you full time.

Which is possible, but it could incur a shortage in our monthly quota of sock drawer raids and nobody wants that.

Well I see the boat is leaving and I'm on it. Catch you all next week!

(**RRNAS -- Rapid Response Ninja Attack Squad)

Anonymous said...

Lol! Okay Kiersten, I think we got something really special going on. Home meth lab for Cob? Brilliant.

I feel so inspired...

Unknown said...

Who was it that made the crack about Edward only liking Bella because she smelled like a pot roast? I'd never even heard of Twilight before you and the other Snark Mamas started talking about it one day. It's a conversation that's stuck with me.

And really, it should be a t-shirt.