Friday, April 17, 2009

Twilight Parody - Ward's Killer Pants

This brings us to the last day of Twilight Parody Week, but I'm not done yet. I haven't even started cracking James-jokes, so there's plenty more to go. To make matters worse, I just finished New Moon, and we all know what that means: New Moon parody. We'll get to see more of Cob doing what he does best--turning into random things that sparkle.

So anyway, I'll still be updating the Twilight parody about once a week until someone stops me. That someone might even be me.

Edition 6 - Ward's Killer Pants

The dream flickered, the fish sticks vanishing into nothingness. Ellba waved sadly in farewell; she felt a strange affinity with all things fishy, being in love with a merpire and all.

But then, she found herself in another memory, standing in the woods by a sparkling pond, Ward at her back. She knew it was him; either that or she was being stalked by a giant ice cube, and we're not talking about the rapper. She shivered and wrapped her arms against the cold emanating from his porcelain but still ochre-tinged skin.

"I know what you are," she said.

"Say it," he murmured, frosty breath caressing her ear. "I want to hear you say it out loud."

"You're always cold. You're overprotective of processed fish products. You slosh when you walk, even when it's not raining."

"Slosh slosh slosh."

"You make fish lips at me when I'm not looking."

"At least I control it better than Jas does."

"I know what you are. You're a complete freak."

Ward spun her around to face him. "You're kidding, right?"

"What, you think those fish lips are normal?"

He slid his hand over her cheek and cupped her chin. All of the breath left her body. She figured she'd better start breathing again, because she never saw Ward take a breath, and that was going to make CPR awfully tough.

Suddenly, she blinked. In slo-mo. Now it all made sense: the lack of breath, the way he never ate, the baby pool that mysteriously appeared in her room the other night.

"Are you part vampire, part fish?" she asked, taking an involuntary step back.

He nodded gravely. "I have the fins of a killer, Ellba. You don't want me."

She looked him up and down. He looked normal enough except for the faint ochre tinge to his skin and the gills. But really, it wasn't polite to point out the mutant tendencies of a guy that you were hoping to get to first base with. "Um... forgive me for asking this, but I've got to know. Exactly what parts of you are fishy?"

"Watch," he said, stepping toward the pond. He jumped into the air, leaving a pair of empty pants slouched on the ground. Before Ellba could get a glimpse of anything good, the lower half of his body shimmered, the legs merging, skin shifting into something shiny and scale-like. His feet morphed into a perfectly smooth, sparkling flipper, and he slid into the water without a splash.

"Wow," said Ellba when he surfaced. "I can't believe you jumped out of your pants like that. Do they have velcro on them or something?"

"Ellba," he growled. "You're out in the woods alone with a hungry vampiric merman who thinks you smell like meatballs, and you're worried about my pants?"

"Seriously," she said. "That was awesome. The merpire thing is neat and all, but I've never seen anyone jump out of their pants before."

"I could kill you right now. Aren't you afraid?"

"Go ahead and kill me," she said lightly, "But jump out of your pants again first."


Hanna Banana said...

That is the best "last words" ever!!

And on a side note, Elba had to put all of those incidents together before she realized baby pools appearing at night is NOT normal?

Tee hee, freakin' funny!!

Adrienne said...

I like the first line. Getting misty over fish sticks...
Looking forward to the next episode...

K.C. Shaw said...

I'll never think of fish sticks the same way again. Or pants.

I'm glad you plan to keep going with this!

Stephanie Perkins said...

"You're out in the woods alone with a hungry vampiric merman who thinks you smell like meatballs, and you're worried about my pants?"

I bow before you. That is an AMAZING sentence.

(Also laughed out loud at the "Slosh slosh slosh" bit.)

So happy you'll keep this going. The Internet needs you, Carrie.

Natalie Whipple said...

Day always goes better when I get to read about Elba and Ward. Soooo, romantic-ish!

Kiersten White said...

The slo-mo blink!


And I agree, jumping straight out of his pants = way more impressive than morphing into a merman.

The Aliens said...

if all earthlings could jump out of their pants, it would make our job much easier.

Shelli (srjohannes) said...

you are on a roll!

Traci said...

Brilliant!!! LOL

Mariah Irvin said...

I think I would be fascinated with the pants too.

My favorite part was "But really, it wasn't polite to point out the mutant tendencies of a guy that you were hoping to get to first base with." Too funny.

Kelly Polark said...

Looking forward to New Moon parody week!

Christina Farley said...

Terribly funny. Especially the mermaid part. Throw it all in baby!

Lina said...

See now I actually really want to watch the film. I'd be so funny to watch it whils comparing it to your scences :-)

Lina said...

Be even more funny if I could watch it in the cinema. I can just imagining me laughing in a crazed way whilst all the teenagers are taking it dead serious.

Angela Ackerman said...

Merphire--now that's just freakin' awesome!

Christina Farley said...

Hey girl! I nominated you for the lemonade stand award on my blog.

Anonymous said...

Ok I was moving on Friday and all weekend, so I'm just now able to catch up. But bravo! I feel confident nobody will be stopping you from writing more.
But to be fair to Ward's fishiness, I think we need at least 100 words describing the slippery goo that coats his sparkle body. Just sayin'