Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The Universe Loves Me

The other day, I received an email from the universe. You think I'm making this up, but I'm not. I actually did.

It read:

From: The Universe
Subject: Carrie Harris
Date: Monday, April 20, 2009, 2:12 PM

Dear Ms Harris,

I am writing on behalf of The Universe to inform you of our official verdict re: yourself.

After extensive consideration, it has been determined that you do not suck. At all. In anything. Except when you use straws. Or get a little too enthusiastic while kissing Slayer.

If you have any further information requests, please don't hesitate to contact us.


The Universe

This email really made me feel better, because I have been worried about the aforementioned suckage. In fact, I may need to have an I Don't Suck party sometime soon. I hope people will come to it, because otherwise I shall have to conclude that I do indeed suck as suckingly as possible.

But I'm not one to pass up the opportunity to exchange emails with the universe, so I wrote back:

Dear Universe,

Thanks for the update. Now please put your money where your mouth is. Universally speaking, of course.

If you have someone buy my book, I'll send you B-NAG. Although since it would be universal, I guess it should really be called UB-NAG. Either way, it will be kewl, and all the alternate universes would be jealous.

Best regards,

P.S. Yes, that was a bribery attempt. I admit it.

B-NAG is an acronym for bonus ninjas and grass. And when I say grass, I'm not talking about the calming but potent kind of grass. I'm talking about the stuff on your lawn (assuming that your lawn isn't calming but potent). And really, wouldn't you buy a book if it came with B-NAG?

I thought you would.

Another reply from The Universe:

Dear Ms Harris,

The Universe is not above bribery. How do you think Saturn got all of those lovely rings?


The Universe

And my response to the Universe's response, which was a response to my response to the Universe's original email.

You got that?

Dear Universe,

B-NAG en route. Should I burn it in my backyard, or what?


P.S. Can I quote your letter on my blog? Because you are kewl.

And the response to the response that was a response to the response response to the original email:

Dear Ms. Harris,

Please send it with your friends, the pants-stealing aliens.

Also, yes, you may quote us. We are very vain and love recognition. After all, we are everything.


The Universe

So, I need to rent a spaceship from the aliens to send some B-NAG to the Universe. I also need to thank Kiersten for her tireless work as the secretary... ahem ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT to the Universe.

I also need to show off my awesome zombatar. Don't you want a zombatar too? You can make one here.



Anonymous said...

Bonus ninjas with grass - the perfect combination.

Vikki said...

Wow...I hope the B-NAG works! If you happen to talk to the universe again, could you ask it to punch Ryan Seacrest in the face? I believe that would bring some sort of balance to our lives.

Michelle D. Argyle said...

Oh, Wow. The Universe. How awesomely kewl! It's always good to know you don't suck. You'll sell eventually. You're to witty not to!

K.C. Shaw said...

I'm glad you explained what B-NAG was, because I was trying to figure it out at the same time I was pretending I already knew what it meant, because not knowing what internet acronyms mean is just uncool.

PJ Hoover said...

Your zombatar is way cool. And maybe the universe will write me some letters, too!

Natalie Whipple said...

How did I know this had Kiersten written all over it? It's like she's my unbiological twin sister or something.

She's a great administrative assistant though. The Universe has been running much smoother since it hired her.

Aaron Polson said...

Darn...all I've received lately was a form rejection from the solar system.

You are...kewl.

Kiersten White said...

The Universe can be a bit demanding at times.

The Aliens said...

you know what our fees are. surrender your pants and we may transport your goods.

Adrienne said...

I'd like an email from the universe. I only get emails from people who use waay ttoo manny doubblle lletterss.

Corey Schwartz said...

Watched American Idol last night and all I could think of the whole time was "Kris looks just like a Muppet!"

Cate Gardner said...

The Universe is not above bribery. How do you think Saturn got all of those lovely rings? Nearly peed myself laughing. :)

Shelli (srjohannes) said...

wow - he/she is so thoughtful.

Carrie Harris said...

Jeremy: I really ought to be in book marketing.

Vivi: I don't know if the Universe would punch Seacrest. I hear he's the Universe's mascot.

Glamis: Why, thanks. It is awesomely kewl, isn't it?

KC: It still astounds me that many people are unfamiliar with the wonder that is B-NAG. Because doesn't everyone need a little B-NAG in their life?

PJ: If you want letters, I'd suggest bribery. :)

Natalie: Well, Kiersten is a B-NAG natural, so it seems pretty obvious.

Aaron: Someday, you can aspire to be as kewl as me. Although the solar rejection is pretty kewl. Like three-quarters kewl. KEW.

Kiersten: Yes, but bribery often trickles downward, so I hope you'll stick with it.

Aliens: Would you accept the pair with the ripped butt? Because I'm obviously not going to wear them any more.

Adrienne: Oh, the double-letterers! Makes me want to tearr my haiir oout.

Corey: Every time he came on the screen, I yelled, "MUPPET!!!!" I'm glad I'm not the only one.

Cate: Well, the Universe is not without a sense of humor.

Shelli: Isn't it? I'm happy to live in a nice, internet-savvy universe.

The Universe said...

We can't believe all of these people think we have time to respond to them. Clearly we only take the priority cases.

And the ones with the best bribes.

Now we have to go attend to a dark matter matter.

Ray Veen said...

How cool is it that you're on a first-name basis with the universe? Every time I email, it pretends it doesn't recognize me.

Kelly Polark said...

You are on a first name basis with the Universe! Very cool!
I only get spam emails...where's my email, Universe?!

Suzanne Casamento said...

Wow. I can't believe you got emails from The Universe. I've been sitting here, asking for a sign from The Universe forever. And you, you get actual emails from The Universe.


Clearly, the suckage is mine.

Fox Lee said...

The Universe is run by Korean Boy Bands. I suggest sending it kimchi.

Mariah Irvin said...

Wow. The Universe. Ya know, if you don't say "The" in front of "Universe" men with tire irons come looking for you. It's an official title.

The Universe said...

We find Korean Boy Bands amusing eye candy, but are certainly not run by them.

And we hate the smell of kimchi. This is why we haven't been favoring you lately, Natalie.

Elana Johnson said...

My vibes have been getting through. Srsly. I haven't been put on hold yet.

K. M. Walton said...

Clever. Very clever.

Anonymous said...

well we are all grateful to the universe.we have to project the right thoughts(good thoughts & good attentions)so you get it back. otherwise we will get more of the same Mike PS.keep up the good work.