Tuesday, June 16, 2009

For the Love of Contractions

I think there aren't enough contractions in the world. And when I say this, I'm talking about the grammatical kind of contractions and not the kind that make you scream nasty things to your spouse whilst in labor.

(I didn't do that. We played Apples to Apples instead. Slayer was smart; he let me win.)

Anyway, in today's Twitterverse, it's important to preserve as many characters as possible, so I think the world needs more contractions. That's my official stance, anyway. In reality, I just think that it's fun to come up with random contractions. For example, Slayer and I were watching Chopped the other night. (Mark of a good spouse: will watch cooking shows with you.) And we were trying to come up with the most disgusting things that you could have in the basket to cook with. He won hands down with squid and Pop Tarts.

I'll pause a moment to let that sink in before I make the image even worse.

So after he suggested this amazing flavor combo, I suggested a name for it. A contraction-type name. Squ'arts. Somehow, that name makes it even worse. That name makes me giggle. Slayer thinks it sounds like the name of an unfortunate bodily function. I think it completely suits the taste sensation that is squid-flavored Pop Tarts.

Of course, this got me started. Think about how easier it would be to type if you could get away with Wa'rt instead of Wal-Mart. Or Dunk'nuts instead of Dunkin Donuts. I'm no longer serving chicken nuggets at our house; they will now be known as ch'uggets. I'll give them to my kids with some po'hips.

Is it just me, or does that make me sound vaguely street? Yo, homes, can I get me some ch'uggets and some po'hips?


Alan W. Davidson said...

Meatless Friday was always big around our place when I was a kid. My mum always served up chips and eggs...or, contracted, that would be ch'eggs. *sniff* such fond childhood memories.

K.C. Shaw said...

Squid poptarts. Oh my. Squ'arts is even worse.

It's not exactly a contraction, but my mom calls the knee-high hose she wears hose, of course, but when she only has one she calls it a ho (as in, "Have you seen another ho that looks like this?"). She cracks me up.

Jamie Eyberg said...

I personally think that Chopped comes up with some pretty bad combination's to cook with already. 'today you will be cooking with tripe and chocolate, good luck.'

Kelly Polark said...

Those contractions are to'some (totally awesome). The only contractions that get on my nerves are the ones that tabloids make up for celebrity couples. Speidi. Bennifer. Brangelina. When Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were together, there was a baby announcement in the paper and the parents named their child BENNIFER! Yikes.

Angela Ackerman said...

Squ'arts. Now that's just plain awesome!

I wonder what color the filling would be?

Natalie Whipple said...

You know what's scary? I'm betting a squ'art would sell incredibly well in Japan. I mean, you can buy dried squid to snack on...stuff that in a pastry and wham. Mmm, squ'art.

Also, love Chopped! The evil black box of disgusting! Did you see the Sea Urchin and Brioche? Wow...

Mariah Irvin said...

Grammatical contractions are pretty awesome. Squ'arts are not.

Unknown said...

Is it wrong that I'd rather eat squid that Pop Tarts?

Unknown said...

Dunk'nuts hahahhahaha (imagine said laugh in a Beavis and/or Butthead type tone)

Suzanne Casamento said...

Why yes, that does make you sound very street.

Now I want po'hips.

MeganRebekah said...

You are my new hero. Apples to apples is the best game ever.

Cost of Childbirth - $1000

Cost of Apples to Apples - $20

Playing Apples to Apples while awaiting the birth of your child? - Priceless!

But wait, how do you play with only two people?

~Jamie said...

and if you really want to be twittertastic... you won't even use the apostrophe.

PJ Hoover said...

You, as always, are hilarious!

Anonymous said...

My husband watched Cool Hand Luke and then fell asleep in his chair while I was in labor. Just sayin'.

I'm from a small town with nonexistent diction. We DO shop at Wa'rt!

Carrie Harris said...

Alan: So you ate ch'eggs on Meat'iday? That doesn't seem to make sense to me. :)

KC: Your mom cracks me up too. I think I'm going to start saying that.

Jamie: Don't they? I wonder what kind of twisted writers they hired. They're my kind of people; I'd like to invite them to a party.

Kelly: Oh yeah! The celebrity names are sickening. Not to'some at all.

Angela: Uh... grey? I dunno, that seems pretty squiddy.

Natalie: Yep. That's exactly what we were watching when Slayer came up with the Squ'arts.

Mariah: Don't knock the squ'art until you've tried it.

Beth: Not wrong at all. Actually, I kind of agree with you. I'm all about the calamari. Mmmmmmm.

Horror Girl: I'm glad someone other than me finds that hilarious. ;) Thank you.

Suzanne: Well, come on over, girlfriend, and we'll have some po'hips and dip.

MeganRebekah: Oh, my best friend and her husband, the Electric Lovitz, were there too. At least for the Apples to Apples part. And I agree about the best game ever thing!

Jamie: I debated leaving it out, actually. And then just decided at random.

PJ: You, as always, are too kind. :)

Mercedes: Snarf. And you've never let him live that down, right?

Fox Lee said...

Wait, he tossed apples at you while you were pregnant?

Adrienne said...

I've heard of squid ink ice cream, but I think Squ'arts tops it.

Danyelle L. said...


Thank you for making me laugh so hard! Squ'arts! And I agree with you--the world could use a few more contractions. :o)

*now off to find something to take the flavor of squ'arts off of my brain*

Sherrie Petersen said...

Omigosh that is the funniest post! I'm still laughing! And I'm pretty sure my family had squ'arts after eating ch'uggets at McDs...po'em.