Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Poor Speedo Guy

I went to the gym last night to swim laps and sit in the hot tub. So there I am after the lappage is done, relaxing in the steamy, over-chlorinated goodness, when this guy in a very unnecessary and emotionally scarring speedo comes in. Now, the hot tub is empty except for me and another guy sitting way over on the other side, so there's plenty of space.

And speedo guy sits down right next to me.

He starts making small talk, and I'm kind of hoping that I am not about to hear a pickup line, that maybe instead he's just one of those talkers. You know the kind I'm talking about, right?

And then, he says, "So did you have a nice day at work today?"
Me: I work from home, so yeah. I've got it pretty nice.

Him: Really? What do you do?

Me: I'm a writer. I write novels for teens.

Him: Oh, do they have any romance in them?

Uh oh. He's not a talker.

Me: Yeah. *edging away*

Him: Do they have... SEX?

He says the s-e-x word in such a thunderous, over-emphasized way that I can barely keep from giggling.

Me: They're novels for TEENS, not bodice rippers.

Him: Oh, so you write Nancy Drew stuff.

Note to you kidlit people out there: There are two kinds of YA books. Nancy Drew and borderline erotica. Which do YOU write?

Me: *not about to get into an argument* Something like that.

Him: So do you like to write at night, or during the day?

Me: I like to write at night, but I have three young children, so that's not exactly in the cards for me.

Him: Oh. I thought you were single.

Me: Nope.

Him: *thoughtfully* So what does your husband do?

Now, here's where my imagination got the best of me. Because I could say doctor. I could even truthfully say ninja. But the answer that popped into my head?


I can just imagine the conversation after that. I'd casually observe that my husband particularly enjoys cannibalizing weirdos in speedos. That I should probably get home because he hasn't had his dinner yet. And then inviting speedo guy over for a meal.

I didn't do it. But I should have.


K.C. Shaw said...

You should have said it! Although it would have been almost as funny if you'd said Ninja. Or even Ninja Doctor (Dr. Ninja?).

You attract weird people, have you noticed?

MeganRebekah said...

LOL! I thought the creepy conversations with predatory weirdos ended when you got married?
And I think you just gave me a great way to fend off my neighbor/stalker. I'll tell him I have a zombie boyfriend that would love to eat his brains!

Barry Napier said...

And this is why I avoid the gym.

CKHB said...

He clearly DESERVES to be eaten by zombies...

Jamie Eyberg said...

You should have gotten out and hit him with a taser. He may not deserve that much, but it would have been fun watching him writhe in the water.

Scillius Maximus said...



That's our Carrie.


Attracts drunks, weirdo's, old men, kids, & dogs.


And people wonder why she married a ninja and yet has a squad of ninja's only a panic button away . . .

Natalie Whipple said...

Wow, I would have loved to know what would have happened when you said "zombie." Still great, if not traumatizing, story.

Aaron Polson said...

Makes me thankful our gym has separate hot tubs.

Wait. That kind of stuff still happens at our gym.


Unknown said...



SlayerOfBees said...

You could have told him I'm a ninja whose daytime job entails poisoning young children. You would still be 100% honest (the poisoning is therapeutic, but he does not need to know that!) I bet that would have done it! ;)

Susan R. Mills said...

You should have! What a great stroy you would have had to tell. Well, it was a good enough story without it, but still.

Empress Awesome said...

Wow, I can't believe he just sat right next to you. Well, a guy who can wear a skinny little speedo has got to have five heaping scoops of serious over confidence.

You probably should have said Zombie. Or professional douche exterminator. Or bill collector. That always scares people.

"Have you paid the interest on that speedo? I need it by this afternoon."


Davin Malasarn said...

Ha! Well, for what's it's worth, you had a memorable adventure that you can obviously write about.

David Ebright said...

Hah! My wife & I were in a Panera's - She was waiting for me to join her at the table & a guy started hitting on her from the next table. After a particularly inappropriate question, she pointed toward me & said 'Why don't you ask that guy? He's my husband'. Dude got up & walked out without finishing his lunch.

I kinda wished he'd have hung around. Might have been fun watching him try to eat with a crushed windpipe. (Can you tell this kind of crap makes me uh, zombie-like?)

PJ Hoover said...

Carrie, you always give me a smile! This is TOOOOO funny!

Mariah Irvin said...

I think you need to avoid hot tubs.

Fox Lee said...

What, no picture?

Carrie Harris said...

Snarf. Y'all are FUNNY.

It's almost enough to make me wish I had a time machine, you know?

Cate Gardner said...

Oh yes, you really should have said that. Next time.

Kelly H-Y said...

Oh, that is hilarious! That saying ... truth is stranger than fiction ... would apply here! You can't make this stuff up!

Kiersten White said...

Given the types you attract, odds are he had a zombie fetish, too. Good thing you didn't bring it up.

Susan Sandmore said...

Yikes! I think I would've said "he's a homicide detective" or something. Maybe adding ". . . but he hasn't caught me yet."

Anonymous said...

You shouldn't have mentioned the kids or husband. Instead, you should've batted your eyelashes and invited him home for dinner. I'm sure Slayer would've moved over to make room for him at the table.

By the way, that's QUITE an interesting person magnet you have there, isn't it?

Anonymous said...

Hi :)
Thanks for the great blog post Carrie.
Real life conversations are so ...unreal.
All the best,

storyqueen said...

Um....gross. That's just gross (I mean the speedo guy.)

Poor you!


Unknown said...

The only types of YA books are Nancy Drew and borderline erotica?!?!

Oh noes, I've been doing it wrong...

Scillius Maximus said...

Actually, now that I have been fully infected (temp 102.1F as I type this), you should have introduced him to your two cute as heck plague vectors known as Left and Right.

They could have sneezed on him or licked his ear. (FYI: Yes. Ninja's did use biologics as well as poisons)

Or, you could have just told him that Slayer works for the IRS.

Laura Eno said...

Should have mentioned the zombie...
Great post! Do wacky people talk to you often?

Stephanie Perkins said...

"Note to you kidlit people out there: There are two kinds of YA books. Nancy Drew and borderline erotica. Which do YOU write?"


And, er, EROTICA. Obviously.

Tiny T said...

Your story is so much cooler than mine... Had this guy at work (mind you he was AT LEAST 10 years older than me if not closer to 20) come up to me and just ask, "Are you taken?"

Took me a minute and all I said was, "Yes."

To which he said, "Oh. All the good ones are taken." *sad face*

And yeah... Zombie would have been hilarious. Totally agree. :) Or Slayer of Bees... You're not a bee are you?

Anonymous said...

It's never a good sign when a stranger in a tight speedo wants to sit close. And I had no idea YA was limited to those two ends of the spectrum. I'm going to have some major edits ahead of me...too funny!

Debra Lynn Shelton said...

You missed out on a great opportunity. But you would have had to have said it very matter-of-factly so creepy Speedo guy would be left wondering if what you were saying was true. Who knows? Maybe he'd have been so freaked out, he'd stop inappropriately hounding women in the steam room.

lin said...
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