The Fancy Nickname Formula

I don't know why I like giving people nicknames so much, but I do. In fact, I distinctly remember hanging around the dorm one night in college, slowly and methodically nicknaming everyone I knew. And the worst part of it is that a bunch of people hung out with me and watched.

If I would have known it was so interesting, I would have sold tickets.

The best part is coming up with that perfect cockeyed combination of words and images. We're not talking cutesy poo nicknames like Honey Bear and Pootie Pie. I'm talking semi-snarfy nicknames like Slayer (which is really only snarfy if you know that my husband is a doctor and then you picture a nurse paging Dr. Slayer over the intercom) and The Electric Lovitz. I'm particularly proud of that one. I want to use it as a band name in a book some day.

But the problem with nicknames is that it takes a lot of hard work to develop a good one, so I'm now using a formula. Said formula is simple: I take 'the' and the first few letters of the person's last name. For example, you can hereby refer to me as The Harr.

The Harr, she is so kewl.

I've found a lot of cases in which this naming system works really well. There's The Whip, The Whit, and The Perk. There's my awesome agent, The Test. One of my personal favorites is The Ey, said in a pseudo-Elvis voice. Or maybe it's more like the Fonz. Or the love child of Elvis and The Fonz.

Something tells me Jamie doesn't like that nickname any more.

And then there are instances in which this system fails utterly. For instance, there's The Po. I am so sorry, Aaron. I just mistakenly named you after a Teletubby. I hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive me some day.

So do you know of any other names that come out really wonky using this method? I want to hear them.